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Does it Hurt to Lose Your memory?
Mercer Island, WA
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Dr. Vicki Rackner
Dee's voice cracked as she spoke the thoughts that keep her up at night. "The most painful part of my father-in-law's passing was seeing how far gone my mother-in-law is. We knew she had memory problems; now we think Dad must have worked hard to cover for her so we wouldn't put her in a home. My husband won't even call his mother. One day he confessed, 'I don't know what to say.' My sister-in-law is worn out. We'd like to visit, but what do we tell the kids? It seems like everyone's isolated in a different bubble of pain."
I asked, "How's you mother-in-law?"
Dee said, "She's the only one who isn't upset by this whole thing!"
With most diseases, the patient– the one with the disease– feels the bulk of the pain. Not with sick brains being drained of their memories. Most of the pain of patients with dementia is carried by their loved ones.
Chances are good it's harder to witness someone losing their memory than to lose it yourself.
I recently asked a dementia expert, "Does it hurt to lose your memory?" She said, "Yes, they do have pain, but it's not the way you might expect. The most painful part for them comes when their actions trigger anger or frustration in their caregivers or family members."
Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. It doesn't matter if you're six years old or an 80-year-old thinking and acting like they're six. The more you are able to be with loved ones in their reality, the less pain they will have.
It's hard to watch someone you love fade away. You need a time and a place to process your sadness.
However, your loved ones' best interests are served when you can let them be exactly who they are in any given moment, regardless of their medical condition.
The Caregiver Club www.TheCaregiverClub.com is an online community for caregivers who want to respond to a loved one's needs, manage stress, minimize guilt and avoid burnout. Founder Dr. Vicki Rackner is a former surgeon, speaker and author. Her most recent book is Caregiving without Regrets. You can reach her at 425 451-3777 or through her web site.
I asked, "How's you mother-in-law?"
Dee said, "She's the only one who isn't upset by this whole thing!"
With most diseases, the patient– the one with the disease– feels the bulk of the pain. Not with sick brains being drained of their memories. Most of the pain of patients with dementia is carried by their loved ones.
Chances are good it's harder to witness someone losing their memory than to lose it yourself.
I recently asked a dementia expert, "Does it hurt to lose your memory?" She said, "Yes, they do have pain, but it's not the way you might expect. The most painful part for them comes when their actions trigger anger or frustration in their caregivers or family members."
Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. It doesn't matter if you're six years old or an 80-year-old thinking and acting like they're six. The more you are able to be with loved ones in their reality, the less pain they will have.
It's hard to watch someone you love fade away. You need a time and a place to process your sadness.
However, your loved ones' best interests are served when you can let them be exactly who they are in any given moment, regardless of their medical condition.
The Caregiver Club www.TheCaregiverClub.com is an online community for caregivers who want to respond to a loved one's needs, manage stress, minimize guilt and avoid burnout. Founder Dr. Vicki Rackner is a former surgeon, speaker and author. Her most recent book is Caregiving without Regrets. You can reach her at 425 451-3777 or through her web site.
Vicki Rackner MD FACS
Mercer Island, WA
425-451-3777
