Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Going ?Home for the Holidays? can be a scene from your favorite movie, whether ?It?s a Wonderful Life? or ?Surviving Christmas.? Those who suffer anxiety attacks at the mention of ?I?ll Be Home for Christmas,? can ease the situation with a little understanding and preparation.

Business relationship expert Robin Jay says, ?The reason that family gatherings can be so stressful lies in the diversity of the average family. Aside from sharing their bloodline, members of a family often have little in common with one another.? Jay cites that in her own extended family, ?We have a pilot, a police dispatcher, two teenagers, two retirees, one lawyer, an engineer, a house painter, and even a psychic!" This is typical of the average family, so it?s no wonder getting along could present a challenge. Sometimes the only thing a family has in common is, well, family.

Jay offers these suggestions for a happy holiday season:

1. Avoid unrealistic expectations. Watching ?It?s a Wonderful Life? may inspire you to believe your family will be as loving, supportive and understanding as Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart were. Forget it! This is your family we are talking about! You want them to treat you as the adult you are, but you may always be eleven years old in their eyes.

2. Be interested in others. Pretend you?ve never met anyone in your family before. How would you interact with them? Sometimes we show more courtesy to complete strangers than our own siblings. Ask them what?s going on in their lives and how they are doing. They may think you?ve been hitting the eggnog, but most will respond positively to your genuine interest in their lives.

3. Offer to help. Whether mom or dad is doing most of the cooking, make sure you offer to help. Bring dessert or a side dish or two. Set or clear the table. Do the dishes. Make the coffee. Every little task that your host or hostess doesn?t have to do themselves will make them appreciate having you there to help. Unless, of course, they say absolutely no one in the kitchen. Then, listen to them.

4. Act your age. It?s very easy to fall into the patterns of behavior we experienced as children. Nearly every adult treats their siblings in pretty much the same way as they did when they were kids. Grow up, once and for all. Try to see your family members as they are today and, if you?re lucky, they may begin to see you as an adult, too.

5. Accept your parents. As a child living at home, your parents knew it all. You may still expect them to. As an adult, you need to accept them for who they are now. They may be frail or as strong and macho as ever. Either way, remember they are real people who just happen to be your parents.

6. Avoid surprises. If you want mom and dad to help you with a second mortgage or to baby-sit the kids while you go to Hawaii for two weeks, don?t ask them about it while they are working hard to put a perfect dinner on the table, or worse yet - as soon as dinner is over. Big surprises like that can upset everyone and create tension for the rest of the holiday. Discuss serious matters well before or after the gathering.

7. Act as if you are a guest in someone else?s home. Don?t assume that just because you are with family that you can be yourself. If you enjoy a blaring football game on television or eating in your underwear, then look forward to indulging again once you are home. Even though it?s your family and it?s the holidays, be on your best behavior.

8. Take it easy on the alcohol. Sometimes we think a few drinks might help ease the tension. Was there ever a time that getting drunk actually helped a situation? If everyone is celebrating with a cocktail, feel free to join in. But just as you would with business associates or strangers, take it easy, eat plenty of food and fill every other glass with water.

9. Be prepared for casual conversation. In ?The Art of the Business Lunch,? Jay talks about ways to avoid awkward silence while dining. Take time during the season to prepare for conversation by learning a little about a lot. Read a variety of magazines, watch interesting, educational television shows such as biographies or historical dramas, be ready to share recipes, gardening tips, or parenting stories. Even a trip down memory lane, especially something positive, can keep a conversation lively.

10. Don?t monopolize the conversation talking about yourself. We may look forward to seeing our family so that we can share what?s been going on in our lives. Be sure to give everyone a chance to get caught up with each other. Try to focus on the positive events. If you are having trouble, your family may feel frustrated if they are not able to help you, which can create tension or stress.

Finally, if everyone dreads the stress of holiday shopping, draw names for a gift exchange so that each family member only has to shop for one present. After all, it?s not about the gifts as much as it is about sharing quality time together.