Getting to the Origin of My Domestic Violence   

Marilyn L. Redmond 

My husband tried to kill me many times; God and angels have kept me alive. From being in 12 step programs,  I know I have to get to the origin of the issue. Therefore, now with over 25 years in a relationship of unconditional love, I have had the privilege to come to have the ability to dig deeper until I finally found the beginning of my past trauma including rape. When I finally had an environment of being totally safe, I could be free to trust my inner search.  

The answer has come in stages. I first discovered with 5 years of sobriety that I had a death wish. With years of learning to forgive him, I found that his childhood was so desperate he was acting it out on me. The psychiatrist said his actions were those of a psychopath. In addition, I realized he was an alcoholic, sex addict, and rage-aholic too. 

As I am a past life regressionist, IBRT, I started looking into past lives. During meditation, he came to me in spirit after our divorce and he was still alive in another state and told me, how much he loved me, to play that part. I needed the attacks to play out my script. No one else in our soul group would volunteer, so he finally decided to play that part for my soul growth.

I found many past lives where I had been killed. I kept looking deeper and finally realized that I had a past life, over 2000 years ago, from which my death wish came. I was a little child, about 3-4 years, living in a cave in a desert area with barely a cloth to keep warm, looking for twigs to stay warm, looking for berries to eat, no animals, people, and so lonely that I wanted to die.

I was told in meditation that this is the life, currently, where I could end that death wish. I am not needy in this life for food, warmth, clothing, people, or finances; I am not needy, lonely, without food, etc., today. I do not want to die. 

I found in reading A Course in Miracles four times that I was always trying to defend myself, subconsciously then, the other person felt attacked. Their attacking me was trying to defend themselves visually to my subconscious attacks. It was a passive aggressive game going on.

I did not know I was attacking him. I just wanted to be safe, and, unknowingly, was continuing the war by defending myself. When I started sending love, health, wellbeing to him as told to do in recovery and after many years of prayers, the slate finally cleared.

We had three prior past lives of domestic violence. One of my past lives I was Sacagawea and he was Charbonneau. I was told in meditation that in this life I would end it. I know the past has been resolved. He played the part for me to find I was sending it out and it was coming back to me. I am not sure I want to try another relationship with him as he asked me recently in spirit.

I always send out love to any difficulty, today, I like the love returning. They are my teachers. This is a very short version of a thirty-year, domestic-violent marriage of rape. I never fought back for some reason. I very deeply knew that would make matters worse. The stories of angels and God showing up, stopping time with telling me to pray, "God forgive him for he knows not what he does" is only one time that God kept me alive, in many situations. 

I am responsible for all my life. Love never fails.