MarilynL. Redmond, BA. ABH. IBRT

 Is your relationshipfunctional? Is it a win-win partnership? Do you try to protect yourself fromharm and feel like a victim in survival? My neighbor said, that she thought Ihad the perfect marriage. I looked good while I was dying on the inside.

What asurprise when I found myself getting help because my relationship had become traumaticI heard a new word, codependency. What is codependency? This is the definition for codependency in theMerriam-Webster Dictionary.  Apsychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting lowself-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment toanother often controlling or manipulative person (such as a person with anaddiction to alcohol or drugs) broadly: dependence on theneeds of or in control by another.

What’s more, a codependent person does not recognizethe responsibility individuals have for their own behavior and for seekingchange. On the other hand, the other person in the codependent relationship mayalso be a narcissist. The dictionary  explains narcissism, as an extremelyself-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

A friendsuggested I go for help and I knew I needed help. I first heard the termco-dependent when I was in treatment for codependency in a hospital setting. .With three weeks in treatment, I found answers that my behavior and thinkingwere not realistic. I had always felt, hopeless and helpless. I was without anyunderstanding about an honest and healthy relationship. Each day in treatment,I received information, .films, learned meditation, and attended a discussioncircles with other women in the same hospital program. My answer was to trysuicide out of my dysfunctional marriage.  

Realizing I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, andphysically dependent on other people, especially my parents, relatives, and afew acquaintances, was a rude awakening. It took years later to realize myco-dependency was with a narcissist. Furthermore, thepsychiatrist called my husband's behavior that of a psychopath “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda. In addition, gaslighting can be amajor part of the dominant one in the relationship. Gaslighting is a form ofmanipulation that causes someone to lose his or her sense of perception and self-worth.I found all these labels of behavior could merge. They combine to become aperson's personality for survival.

Discovering I was the other side of this kind of relationshipwas alarming. I never saw myself as anything but a nice, quiet wife, teacher,and mother. .At one point I realized my husband and I were both two peas in thesame pea pod. I understood that likeattracts like. I acted out my characteristics passively and he acted out asthe aggressor in the game of Passive- Aggressive Behavior. I had to change meto not attract another unhealthy person in my life.

Raised in afamily where the adults never emotionally grew up, as their background did notprovide love, respect, or caring. There was no nurturing, fostering myemotional life, or hugs. The bottle was propped up at my feedings. The babybook at the time, told parents not to pick up the child when crying; I wasnever attended to, for resolving my troubles. As I grew into childhood, therewas no talk, no trust, and no communications. I was to do the chores; I neverreceived a compliment, thank you, or acknowledgement of the job being done,there was just another chore. This developed into my being an overachiever andworkaholic looking for love and recognition. In school I did not make friendseasily as a result of my not feeling apart of the family, I did not know how tobe a friend or in a group. I felt lonely, friendless, and an outcast.

Even though Isat first chair for the flute in the bands and orchestras, won awards for mysuccesses as Valedictorian, and was the first member of the family to graduatefrom college. My stepfather years 30 year later said, "We did not get youa college graduation gift, did we?" I was never recognized or validated asa living human being. 

My teachersacknowledged my work in good grades; I hoped my parents would do the same. Incollege, I found a fellow who did acknowledge me. I did not understand at thetime that he was just as ignored and abused in his childhood. We dated incollege and became engaged. We married. I was thinking I could change him. Overtime, life became more abusive than from my family. Without co-dependency  treatment I would never had any tools to leavethe marriage.

Learning aboutself-esteem, self-love, and that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me was new.I now based my life in reality that I was worthy and have love within my heart.Financial insecurity was a big concern. It took some time to be brave enough todivorce, as I had no idea what I would do on my own.

Over time, Ilearned to forgive my husband and family. I prayed what I wanted, abundance, health,love, and more for those who had mistreated me. Praying brought a newperspective to my life. This bought compassion. I looked to religion, peoplewho were experts, answers in books, government, education, medicine, andothers; I read countless biographies trying to find how other people livedtheir lives. I have come to understand my past taught me to look outside myselffor the answers to life.

It was notuntil I found a spiritual path in treatment that I learned to mediate andlisten to my heart. Finally, I found the real answers to life. Instead of beinga barnacle to someone to take care of me, I now rely on my inner self, the Godwithin, to take care of me and provide all the answers I need for eachsituation. Life is an inside job. I changed my focus to trust myself and notothers for my happiness and wellbeing. Learning to trust myself has taken time,but I make my own decisions today.

With severalyears of reprogramming my thoughts, words, and actions from a fear base lifeinto a love based life. I changed and became a magnet to attract a healthypartner. I became the person I wanted in a relationship. The answers had alwaysbeen within. Currently, I am in a healthy relationship of over 25 years. I hadbeen looking for love in all the wrong places.

Today, as acitizen of the universe, I love myself and have healed the past. I wrote mystory and how I changed myself in my book, "Paradigm Busters" atAmazon. Today, I accept the perfect love of God and know that I am dearlyloved. In my relationship, we are responsible for ourselves and share ourexperiences.  It is a win-wincompanionship.

Check out my website, https://www.angelicasgifts.com/

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