How Caregivers Are Taken Advantage Of
Caregivers, due to their desire to be helpful, can easily be taken advantage of and may feel overwhelmed, resentful, or unappreciated. If you are a caregiver who has taken on too much, learn how caregivers are taken advantage of and what you can do to rebalance your caregiving relationship.
Questions for Caregivers Feeling Taken Advantage Of
- Have you taken on too much work or responsibility because you place the happiness of others over your happiness and well-being?
- Are you physically and emotionally exhausted, but you keep going and doing for others?
- Is it time for a reset?
How many times have you heard from family members, “Everyone else is working and can’t do it, everyone else is busy and can’t make it over to Mom and Dad’s, or You’re much better at this than me—why can’t you take care of this? ” or “I don’t have time; you have more free time than I do.”
Instead of speaking up and saying “no, I can’t do it,” what do caregivers do? They give in and show up time and time again, which tells other people they are right.
YOU ARE not busy, have more free time, or this task is easier for you to do than anyone else.
Only Children Can Feel Like They Must Do It All
Are you an only child doing all the work? Do you believe that caring for aging parents or another family member is all up to you?
Or maybe you finished one caregiving project and started living your life again. Suddenly, someone else in the family needs help. Your phone rings because you have experience in caregiving for others.
Think twice before you say yes again because you know what your life will be like if you take on another caregiving project all alone.
A Secret for Caregivers Feeling Taken Advantage Of
Here’s a secret: anyone can learn to be a caregiver.
Just because you’ve done this once for someone in the family doesn’t mean you always have to be the caregiver.
Let someone else enjoy that experience.
Why Caregivers Are Taken Advantage Of
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Pamela’s YouTube Channel6 Caregiving Situations that Indicate You May Be Taken Advantage Of
If you are a caregiver, how do you know if others are taking advantage of you? Let’s look at six situations:
1 The main reason caregivers are being taken advantage of is family members who are non-caregivers do not understand or appreciate the time, effort, and physical and emotional stress that caregivers experience.
Family members keep putting more work on you. One solution to this is to invite them to take over your caregiving job for a week or to spend one week living with Mom and Dad. Perhaps then they will understand – stop asking less of you and offer to help occasionally.
2 Everyone else is working — as if being a caregiver isn’t work.
Being a caregiver can be a 24/7 job, often requiring dedication and commitment
while holding down a full-time, paying job. It isn’t as if caregivers live a life of leisure. Most caregivers I know are overworked and overstressed, barely having a moment to themselves.
Some caregivers tell me they don’t have time to take a shower or even a nap. As the caregiver, when asked to do one more thing, your answer to “everyone else is working” is to say, “So am I; I’m sure you can figure it out —I’m already committed.”
3 Do you have a family member who lives in constant crisis or drama?
It’s one thing to help someone who occasionally needs a favor or help. It’s another thing to
be the solution to another person’s ongoing drama or crises.Caregivers become other people’s solutions when they take on too much or do more than they can handle. For example, when you become a non-paid in-home caregiver, your efforts can be equivalent to assisted living or nursing home care provided in the home of a parent or other family member.
How does this happen? You jump in and start doing the work. Time and tasks grow.
You never say, time out – it’s time for a different plan. I can’t keep going like this.
All the while, your family members are enjoying the fact that you are working full-time to take care of their needs in addition to a paid job that you might have. In these situations, who suffers? YOU, because you are neglecting yourself so that you can make everyone else happy by meeting their needs and requests.
4 Your siblings go on with their lives and don’t respect your time or the fact that you have a life
You never hear, “How can I help?” “Thanks for all you do for mom or dad.” “Can I give you a break?” “How can I show my appreciation?”
One or all of these would be magic to a caregiver’s ears, but siblings or other family members rarely say them. Most of the time, the person you care for – mom, dad, or a spouse – does not even say thank you.
Your siblings may disagree with your efforts to help Mom or Dad.
So, if you’re feeling left out, like you don’t know who you are anymore, and you’re watching everyone else having fun and enjoying their lives, Step on the brakes. Take a moment to reevaluate what you need to do to change the situation.
5 Do you have family members who dismiss your feelings if you comment about being tired or exhausted from being a caregiver?
They say to you, “It’s not that bad.” “Well, that’s the responsibility of a daughter or a son,” or “that’s what marriage and until death do we part is all about.”
Honestly, these individuals are clueless. If they had ever been a caregiver, they would never say these things.
6 Do you have family members with no personal boundaries?
Siblings, aunts, uncles, or an elderly parent show up at your house at all hours of the day. They expect you to entertain them, cook for them, listen to them, or solve their problems.
They constantly ask you to do things without asking if you are busy or have something else scheduled.
I will say caregivers lack boundaries, but in an opposite way.
Caregivers rarely say ‘no,’ ‘I can’t,’ or’ I won’t’ do that. Instead, they say yes, which results in caregivers being taken advantage of and overburdened. Start setting boundaries with family members who have no personal boundaries by creating your own.
Stop being taken advantage of by saying no. Repeat the word no until it feels really good. Say, “Thank you for asking, but no, I can’t do that right now. I have another commitment.”
One-Sided Relationships Can be Problematic
If any relationship you have is not reciprocal, meaning that it’s one-sided, you may be taken advantage of. he question to ask is why are you allowing this to happen?
- Is being taken advantage of a behavioral pattern?
- Do you tend to prioritize pleasing others?
- Do you need attention from others to make you feel better about yourself?
- Do you hold onto a glimmer of hope that one day you might be appreciated?
These are not reasons to sacrifice your life and well-being.
Some people live their lives being taken advantage of by other people. Being taken advantage of can become a habit for caregivers who feel like there is no other way to live.
Some caregivers complain but never take action to change their situation. Don’t be that caregiver. You have choices.
Stop Taking on Other People’s Problems
So, how do you stop making the problems of other people your own?
The first step is to recognize that you are being taken advantage of, doing too much for someone else, or neglecting your own needs. Change your way of thinking.
Everyone has their own life. People make their own choices and live with the consequences. If your parents need help, why do they need help? What caused the present need?
I suspect your parents do not need help or care because of something you did. Unless it was something unusual, such as you driving a car with your parents in it. You, as the driver, caused a car accident where everyone was injured.
This is very different from a parent not being attentive to their health and then needing care because they did not take care of themselves, or they refused to see a doctor.
Here are two more questions to identify why you want to be the solution to other people’s problems.
- Is your self-esteem a little low?
- Do you feel the requests of others are more important than taking care of you?
- Do you feel that you don’t deserve good things in your life?
If you place your dreams, goals, or priorities at the bottom of the list, that’s where they will stay. You and your life will never be your priority.
There is Nothing Impossible about the Possible
I know caregivers who say they are in an impossible situation and do not realize that they have the power to change their lives and do something different.
The problem is that these caregivers spend time with people who constantly demand their attention or who criticize them. The result is that the caregivers have lost belief in themselves and their abilities.
These caregivers are emotionally beaten down. They may fear change. They think this is the way life is supposed to be. They are the doormat of life, constantly walked over and taken advantage of.
Some caregivers believe, “My life is to serve other people and neglect my own needs.”
Changing longstanding habits of being a caregiver taken advantage of may not be easy. However, it is possible if you believe and commit to an action plan.
Practice Feeling Strong Instead of Weak
Life is not only about sacrifice. It’s about owning your power, taking care of yourself, feeling strong instead of weak or intimidated, and not constantly being taken advantage of.
Caregivers can help others within normal limits, boundaries, and reciprocity. The easiest way to approach this and determine what to do is to examine your caregiving relationships.
Are they reciprocal, meaning a 50/50 give-and-take? Or are you doing everything to hold the relationship together?
Reciprocity 50/50 isn’t always possible with someone who needs care if they are sick or have dementia. However, the person who needs care can give back in different ways.
They can verbally thank you, fill your gas tank for driving to doctor appointments or picking up groceries, or occasionally buy lunch. There are small things that people can do to show appreciation and thanks.
How many of you remember handwritten thank-you cards? When was the last time you bought or made a thank-you card?
Parents With Mental Health Problems Demand Attention
Are you an adult child caregiver with a parent who has mental health problems, substance abuse problems, or held you to unreasonable expectations from the time you were a child? Are parents constantly seeking attention or demanding that you do things for them?
If so, you may be in parent-pleasing mode, where you keep doing and doing and doing to please Mom and Dad, who take and take and take.
Mom and Dad never appreciate anything that you do, so you work harder and harder to seek approval or to receive a thank you that may never come.
How Do Caregivers Stop Being Taken Advantage of By Others?
1 Begin saying no to more work and more caregiving tasks. Work yourself out of agreements you made that are negatively affecting your health, well-being, job, family relationships, friendships, and the things you love.
2 Stop being the problem solver everyone rushes to when there is an emergency or a crisis. If others come to you, give them suggestions on how they can help themselves. Stop jumping in to rescue other people.
3 Stop allowing others to tell you that your time has no value. Your time is equally important. When they ask for something, say that you have an appointment or something else to do. Express confidence in their ability to find someone else to help or to do the task themselves. You can’t get time back once it’s passed; all you have is right now and the future.
4 If you are a caregiver temporarily out of work, your work is finding a new job. Don’t let a sibling say, “Everyone else is working and can’t do this for mom or dad – will you?” The answer is you are working and have income, I don’t. My job is finding a job. Why don’t you take a day of vacation, a personal day, or family leave time to deal with X?”
5 When requests keep coming, or if you have overextended yourself to the degree that you are the non-paid in-home caregiver, you provide assisted living or nursing home care for an elderly parent or loved one, change your response.
Say, “I know I’ve been doing this forever, it’s time for a change. Let’s look at hiring an in-home caregiver, moving you into a care community, or applying for Medicaid, which can pay for these services.”
Then give Mom or Dad phone numbers to call or make phone calls with them.
Since you’ve been caregiving for so long, your parents or siblings may not take you seriously about making changes. Maybe you’ve tried to stop taking on all the work before, and you gave in before making progress.
Your siblings may not take you seriously. Create a plan, establish a timeline, and set a clear end date to make it happen. Don’t keep giving in.
Live Your Best Life
Caregivers are being taken advantage of because they want to be helpful. Start helping yourself instead of others. There is nothing wrong with making you a priority.
If you don’t take care of yourself, you will not be able to care for other people if this is what you want to continue to do. When you have your life together, everything will flow more easily, and you may have time to help others.
Do not live your life to help others at your own expense—at the expense of your health, your career or job, your marriage, your friendships, and your well-being.
If you have a hard time understanding how being taken advantage of can happen, grab a piece of paper. Write down everything you do for other people.
Then, write down what you do for yourself. If the information on the page is lopsided, then your life is being impacted by the requests, needs, and desires of other people.
Find the Motivation to Stop Being Taken Advantage Of
Caregivers are strong people.
- Start being strong for yourself, rather than being strong for others.
- Build up your confidence levels. Do what it takes to take care of you.
- Let others take care of themselves and manage through the consequences of their actions and decisions.
- Put your energy and thoughts into positive activities.
- Stop allowing other people to drain you.
- Hold onto your power.
Find ways to motivate and inspire yourself so that you can rebalance relationships. Do one thing every day for yourself and write it in the column on the right side of the paper. Make progress one day at a time.
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