How is Your Relationship?

Marilyn L. Redmond, BA. ABH. IBRT

Is your relationship functional? Is it a win-win partnership? Do you try to protect yourself from harm and feel like a victim in survival? My neighbor said, that she thought I had the perfect marriage. I looked good while I was dying on the inside.

What a surprise when I found myself getting help because my relationship had become traumatic I heard a new word, codependency. What is codependency? This is the definition for codependency in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  A psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs) broadly: dependence on the needs of or in control by another.

What's more, a codependent person does not recognize the responsibility individuals have for their own behavior and for seeking change. On the other hand, the other person in the codependent relationship may also be a narcissist. The dictionary   explains narcissism, as an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

A friend suggested I go for help and I knew I needed help. I first heard the term co-dependent when I was in treatment for codependency in a hospital setting. . With three weeks in treatment, I found answers that my behavior and thinking were not realistic. I had always felt, hopeless and helpless. I was without any understanding about an honest and healthy relationship. Each day in treatment, I received information, .films, learned meditation, and attended a discussion circles with other women in the same hospital program. My answer was to try suicide out of my dysfunctional marriage.  

Realizing I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically dependent on other people, especially my parents, relatives, and a few acquaintances, was a rude awakening. It took years later to realize my co-dependency was with a narcissist. Furthermore, the psychiatrist called my husband's behavior that of a psychopath "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others." —Paramahansa Yogananda. In addition, gaslighting can be a major part of the dominant one in the relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes someone to lose his or her sense of perception and self-worth. I found all these labels of behavior could merge. They combine to become a person's personality for survival.

Discovering I was the other side of this kind of relationship was alarming. I never saw myself as anything but a nice, quiet wife, teacher, and mother. .At one point I realized my husband and I were both two peas in the same pea pod. I understood that like attracts like. I acted out my characteristics passively and he acted out as the aggressor in the game of Passive- Aggressive Behavior. I had to change me to not attract another unhealthy person in my life.

Raised in a family where the adults never emotionally grew up, as their background did not provide love, respect, or caring. There was no nurturing, fostering my emotional life, or hugs. The bottle was propped up at my feedings. The baby book at the time, told parents not to pick up the child when crying; I was never attended to, for resolving my troubles. As I grew into childhood, there was no talk, no trust, and no communications. I was to do the chores; I never received a compliment, thank you, or acknowledgement of the job being done, there was just another chore. This developed into my being an overachiever and workaholic looking for love and recognition. In school I did not make friends easily as a result of my not feeling apart of the family, I did not know how to be a friend or in a group. I felt lonely, friendless, and an outcast.

Even though I sat first chair for the flute in the bands and orchestras, won awards for my successes as Valedictorian, and was the first member of the family to graduate from college. My stepfather years 30 year later said, "We did not get you a college graduation gift, did we?" I was never recognized or validated as a living human being. 

My teachers acknowledged my work in good grades; I hoped my parents would do the same. In college, I found a fellow who did acknowledge me. I did not understand at the time that he was just as ignored and abused in his childhood. We dated in college and became engaged. We married. I was thinking I could change him. Over time, life became more abusive than from my family. Without co-dependency  treatment I would never had any tools to leave the marriage.

Learning about self-esteem, self-love, and that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me was new. I now based my life in reality that I was worthy and have love within my heart. Financial insecurity was a big concern. It took some time to be brave enough to divorce, as I had no idea what I would do on my own.

Over time, I learned to forgive my husband and family. I prayed what I wanted, abundance, health, love, and more for those who had mistreated me. Praying brought a new perspective to my life. This bought compassion. I looked to religion, people who were experts, answers in books, government, education, medicine, and others; I read countless biographies trying to find how other people lived their lives. I have come to understand my past taught me to look outside myself for the answers to life.

It was not until I found a spiritual path in treatment that I learned to mediate and listen to my heart. Finally, I found the real answers to life. Instead of being a barnacle to someone to take care of me, I now rely on my inner self, the God within, to take care of me and provide all the answers I need for each situation. Life is an inside job. I changed my focus to trust myself and not others for my happiness and wellbeing. Learning to trust myself has taken time, but I make my own decisions today.

With several years of reprogramming my thoughts, words, and actions from a fear base life into a love based life. I changed and became a magnet to attract a healthy partner. I became the person I wanted in a relationship. The answers had always been within. Currently, I am in a healthy relationship of over 25 years. I had been looking for love in all the wrong places.

Today, as a citizen of the universe, I love myself and have healed the past. I wrote my story and how I changed myself in my book, "Paradigm Busters" at Amazon. Today, I accept the perfect love of God and know that I am dearly loved. In my relationship, we are responsible for ourselves and share our experiences.  It is a win-win companionship.

Check out my website, https://www.angelicasgifts.com /

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