How many people should you be dating at once?

That's a question that many of my clients ask me. However, there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer to this question.

First, much depends on your personality.

If you're a shy person, perhaps you feel that it would be great if you could be dating even one person. And many of my introverted clients do prefer to focus on one person at a time. That just feels more comfortable to them.

And if they're interested in a particular person, they want to pursue only that one person to see where it can lead. This is how trust can be built in a relationship, as well. I see this as being more true for men than women.

Given cultural norms, more women are open to dating multiple people at once since they're evaluating their prospects. they want to see that the men are following through on their verbal commitments since this is the type of man most women desire: A man who shows true interest in a particular woman and their faithfulness.

When I was single in my mid-30s and into my early 40s, dating seemed to be a feast or famine experience. Either there were 3 men pursuing me or none!

I was active in several singles groups geared to 35+ professionals and very motivated to meet a man who wanted marriage and a family.

Of course, dating is about spending time with someone who appears to have potential, and with whom you have chemistry, as well. The purpose of dating is exploring if you're on the same page in terms of life goals and values.

I would meet men I was interested in only to find out they weren't motivated to marry or didn't want children. And through dating I found out that we were in different stages in our lives, so those relationships would not move forward.

So, your efforts to meet people for dating do make an impact on how many people you can date at once. If you are putting a lot of time and energy into meeting new people, then you may have several men (or women) whom you are dating. And if you don't have a lot of time and energy, then you may not have as many options and you just go with the one person who looks like a worthy candidate.

However, the more people you date at once, the more you have to keep track of in terms of remembering information about each of your dates. I highly recommend you create a system to keep track of the personal information you are expected to remember about each of your dates. They will be impressed you remembered what they told you!

When I met my husband, Alan, I had also met two other men around the same time. One of the men didn't appreciate my outgoing personality. He got jealous when I talked with other men. I'm very social and as he was swimming laps in the pool, I went to talk to my friends instead of sitting there watching him swim. Clearly, that wasn't going to work for me or for him!

The other guy I met was going through a divorce and wasn't in any way ready for a serious relationship or remarriage. I was able to determine this after two dates with him. His follow up was sporadic. 

I was in my early 40s at this time and very motivated to marry! I didn't have time to wait for anyone to be ready.

Alan was ready for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage and we hit it off. He was open to having a family. And he pursued the relationship in a way that showed me that he was very serious about having a committed long-term relationship with me.

After a couple of dates, our relationship was moving forward nicely.

We started dating seriously by late June and by August w were exclusive and planning on introducing one another to our respective families in September.

And I've seen this happen with my clients too, time and time again.

When they meet someone, who seems to be the right person, they stop dating other people and focus on the relationship. This usually happens within a half dozen dates.

This includes a couple of dates where they spent several hours with their date, seeing them in different situations and getting to know them better.

Given COVID times, my clients are taking their time to get to know someone. They are having video chats and phone calls to determine if their goals and values are on track, as well as a flow and chemistry. They are spending time talking and having mostly outside dates such as going on an easy, local hike.

Now that many people are vaccinated, I see my clients willing to take more chances and are ready to meet new people for dating. 

So, how many people should you be dating at once? Well, that's entirely up to you. You get to decide how many you can handle at once and what feels right for you.

All the best,

Coach Amy