Is Your Sibling Abusing Power of Attorney for An Elderly Parent?
Is your sibling abusing power of attorney for an elderly parent? Learn how to prevent sibling abuse of power of attorney when you share the power of attorney agent duties and may not fully trust your brother or sister or when
your sibling is named as a sole agent.Many parents name one, both, or several of their adult children as power of attorney agents. When one child is named or power is not shared, the other siblings can wonder why they were not named. Favoritism among children can present challenges when elderly parents need care.
Sharing Power of Attorney Responsibility with a Sibling
Let’s say two children are appointed power of attorney agents for one or both of your parents, sharing the 50/50. The most important thing siblings can do when parents need help managing day-to-day activities or bill paying is to communicate regularly.
Share the work 50/50 and be transparent about your actions and decisions.Talk weekly or regularly about mom or dad’s health and money transactions and decisions. Keep records and copies of all transactions because you never know when you might be questioned about paying a specific bill or why you made a particular decision.
Documentation is essential if your parents don’t have much money and may eventually need to apply for Medicaid.
Applications for Medicaid look back five years. Agents should not write any checks to themselves for expenses paid on behalf of elderly parents.
Managing Money for Elderly Parents
Write the checks out of a parent’s bank accounts. Use your parent’s credit cards and then pay the credit card bill out of their account.
Do not move in with your parents or move them in with you and share expenses without a well-defined written legal agreement.
Parent’s money should be used exclusively for their care. If parents have a CPA, financial planner, or eldercare advisor, include your parents in planning conversations with these experts.
Making Sound Decisions Especially for Elderly Parents with Memory Loss
If you
make decisions that go against the choices that your parents would have customarily, it can appear you are abusing your duty as the power of attorney agent.
As an agent, your responsibility is to carry on the decisions your parents would have made if they had been capable of making those decisions.
A diagnosis of memory loss can mean that siblings who share power of attorney begin making more decisions. Before or at the time an elderly parent is diagnosed with memory loss, talk to your parent or parents about what they want for care.
Where do parents want to live, who do they want to have for their caregivers, and how do they want their money to pay for care. If they have little money, it’s time to discuss Medicaid planning.
Documenting Wishes and Conversations
Document parent’s wishes and planning conversations. Videotape them with you and your sibling to document these discussions.
Having records and recorded conversations avoids “he said” or “she said.” The facts are on video. Hold these conversations early before your parent’s memory loss increases.
Be sure that when you take your parent to the doctor, there are discussions about memory loss, and steps are taken to diagnose the degree and progression of the memory loss.
Most power of attorney documents state that a parent must be certified by two physicians in writing to be incapacitated for the power of attorney agent to be able to assume their responsibilities. Ensure you have copies of these letters if a bank or another organization requests them.
See the doctor every 6 months for memory testing to document the progression of memory loss.
This knowledge will help you plan.Document changes in your parents’ daily activities. I know this may sound like work. It is. When you accept legal responsibility for another person, others can scrutinize, evaluate, and judge your actions.
Working together as sister and sister or brother and sister power of attorney agents makes you less likely to experience problems. You will also be more prepared to create a good care plan for an elderly parent with or without a dementia diagnosis.
Divided POA Responsibilities
Now, let’s say that your parents divided the agent’s responsibilities. One of you is a medical power of attorney, and one is a financial power of attorney agent. The same suggestions apply:
- Have early conversations about what your parents want for their care and how they want their money spent.
- Make sure your parents have also completed their will or trust. Document these conversations. Record them on videotape.
- Be completely transparent with your parents and siblings about anything you don’t understand. If your parents are eventually diagnosed with memory loss, you may not be able to go back and ask them.
- Ask now. Understand now. Document now before a crisis happens, and you make decisions when emotionally stressed out.
POA Financial Versus Medical
Challenges can happen between siblings who are the power of attorney agents for money versus healthcare when there are no discussions with parents and siblings who disagree.
One sibling may not want to spend money on mom or dad’s care if they are more interested in inheriting money after mom or dad dies.
Another sibling may feel that moving parents to an assisted living community is best for mom or dad’s care. The other sibling may want them to stay at home.
What is practical? How much money is available to pay for care? Is living at home safe for both parents? There are a lot of considerations when making decisions for elderly parents.
The sibling managing the finances may not want to spend the money.
Sharing 50/50 Versus Splitting POA Responsibilities
So, as you see, naming both children equally 50/50 might a better decision than splitting the decisions 50/50 if you suspect your children will disagree.
The relationships between the children and the closeness to parents indicate how well siblings sharing power of attorney will work together.
Now, this doesn’t mean that there still can’t be disagreements. Anything can happen.
So how do power of attorney agent problems develop between adult children?
In some situations, the parents picked the wrong child, who they thought was responsible. However, the child did not manage money well, or maybe the child had no interest in managing medical or healthcare details.
Being an agent under a power of attorney involves detailed work and the ability to evaluate and make thoughtful decisions based on facts and not emotions.
What If Your Sibling Is Making Poor Decisions?
So, you are sharing power of attorney with a sibling, or the agent’s responsibilities are split. What can you do if you think your sibling is making poor decisions?
Restate the importance of ongoing communication and involvement. Consider the impacts of all decisions.
Spending money on medical care, home care, or other items affects a household budget. So whether you are the person who manages the money or the person who is spending the money, it’s essential to communicate and cooperate.
Taking a step back, if your parents can still make decisions and manage their money, they have the right to do this. By being named a power of attorney agent, your parents did not automatically permit you to take over their decision-making powers.
Positive family situations for an elderly parent’s care happen when siblings successfully live their lives and come to work together for a parent’s benefit.
Being a Power of Attorney Agent is a Working Relationship
Think of being the power of attorney agent like a working relationship where your parents are the “project.” As siblings who share power of attorney, you are the project managers.
You have projects to manage: household maintenance, caring for pets, grocery shopping, doctor appointments, medication management. All the things that you manage in your own life.
So, as project managers, you set budgets for spending, healthcare plans, and other aspects of parents’ lives. It is critical to agree on plans for your parents and involve your parents in these conversations.
Challenges happen when siblings who have power of attorney disagree. There should be little disagreement if the family is clear about the parents’ plans and puts this information in writing or records it on video.
How to Know If a Sibling is Abusing Power of Attorney Responsibilities
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Suspecting a Sibling of Power of Attorney Abuse
But let’s say your brother or sister starts hiding bank account information. Or you ask about an account balance that has decreased quite a bit, and they start making excuses. Or you try to log into an account, and they change the password without telling you.
These actions should be setting off alarms. Once a sibling begins to hide information, it’s time to be suspicious.
If a sibling wants to move a parent into their home or vice versa, there should always be a written agreement and a contract.
If or when a sibling and parents live together, make sure you remain updated and involved in a parent’s medical care and financial matters.
The power of attorney agent who moves a parent into their home changes the balance of the 50/50 decision-making relationship, especially if a parent has dementia. The person or caregiver spending the most time with an elderly parent likely has the most influence.
One day, your brother or sister says, “Mom or Dad decided they want me to have power of attorney over all of their decisions.” You receive a letter from the attorney that revokes your participation as the power of attorney agent.
Your brother or sister takes mom or dad to an attorney. You cannot access the bank accounts to check and see how money is spent. Mom and Dad’s doctors will no longer speak to you.
This is a situation that many power of attorney agents can find themselves in if elderly parents do not set up any protections in their documents or if siblings want total control of a parent’s life, health, and money.
Protecting Power of Attorney Powers from Abuse
Protections in documents can be a statement like this:
“This power of attorney document cannot be changed unless the attorney (or an attorney at the law firm) who created the documents is contacted plus A and B [add names of two individuals} are contacted. I do not want my children or anyone else changing documents against my wishes, especially if I have a diagnosis of memory loss and someone is trying to take advantage of me. I permit my attorney, the staff at the law office of my attorney, and A and B to contact my doctors, current and past, to obtain health histories about my diagnoses, including any cognitive issues.”
Then, you list the names of all physicians in this document and provide a current H&P (history and physical) and list of diagnoses to establish a baseline of health when the power of attorney document is created.
A parent diagnosed with memory loss who created an estate plan deserves to have the plan they made implemented, not changed by someone who has their own interests in mind.
Isolating Elderly Parents from Siblings and Others
Other warning signs of potential power of attorney abuse include adult children who attempt to isolate parents so that parents are unable to express concerns to anyone else.
Isolation and influence become relevant when parents and children live together.
- A child may threaten the parent that if they tell anyone what is going on, the child will physically harm them or leave the caregiving relationship.
- A caregiver who may also be a power of attorney can tell a parent with dementia that “if I leave, no one will care for you.”
- Abusive caregivers place a lot of emotional pressure on loved ones.
In some cases, two siblings are appointed as agents. One may want total control over a parent.
The other sibling, who may not be good at dealing with conflict, gives in, or maybe the other sibling is too busy. So, they allow their brother or sister to take over all the responsibilities of the mom and dad.
Then, all of a sudden, the sibling who didn’t want to be involved is concerned because many things don’t seem right.
This situation is common when one sibling is busy managing their career, life, family, marriage, raising children, etc. You trust your sibling and then learn that you can’t trust your sibling.
Proving Abuse, Isolation, or Undue Influence
It can be very disheartening and difficult to prove financial abuse or that your parent had memory loss when your sibling made them change their legal documents if you were actively participating in your duties as a power of attorney agent.
If you can’t be involved and have a spouse or an adult child willing to help, enlist their help.
It is challenging to be a caregiver with a lot of responsibility and no help from other people. Siblings who are agents under a power of attorney can become exhausted and worn out and make bad decisions.
Power of attorney agents have the right to consult with experts. These include experts like CPAs, tax specialists, financial planners, care managers, caregiving experts, doctors, and other healthcare professionals.
It is impossible for one person to know everything without talking to others who may know more or may have been involved in similar situations.
Building Trust as a Power of Attorney
The critical thing to remember when you share power of attorney with siblings is that transparency and ongoing communication build trust. You need a trusting relationship when you care for elderly parents so that your parents also trust you to make the decisions they would have made if they could.
Aging and experiencing health challenges that result in difficulties doing everyday activities can be scary for an elderly parent.
Learn from the experience of being a power of attorney agent for your parents so that when you appoint an agent for yourself, you can use what you learned.
Being a power of attorney can be a positive role when caring for elderly parents if you take the responsibility seriously and work with your family to establish plans and ensure that wishes for care and money management are clearly spelled out.
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