Are you concerned about a sibling manipulating elderly parents? Does your brother or sister live with or near your parents and have access to your parent’s money or manage their medical care? If so, a sibling may exert undue influence over your parent’s decisions or neglect their care.
What is Undue Influence
Undue influence occurs when a person feels manipulated or pressured to make a decision based on another person’s actions or needs.
As parents age, they may need help managing financial or medical needs. Adult children often step in to assist with their parents’ finances or healthcare. While most children have good intentions, some take advantage of elderly parents.
Examples of undue influence
Parents may feel responsible for an adult child who is dependent on them for living arrangements and financial support. They may also feel obligated to an adult child who is their primary caregiver. In either situation, a parent may make out-of-character decisions, putting an adult child’s needs or wishes first.
Aging parents with health problems can become vulnerable to the undue influence of a self-interested adult child. For example, children appointed as agents under a financial or medical power of attorney can prioritize preserving money over paying for beneficial health services like in-home caregivers.
The adult child caregiver may threaten to stop helping parents if they disagree with the child’s demands. If a parent shares concerns with their other children or people outside the family, the caregiver might become angry or intimidating.
Identify Family Roles
If you are a child concerned about protecting elderly parents against a sibling who may not have the best intentions, what can you do?
It is critical to notice and document information about a sibling’s questionable actions. Proving undue influence or abuse and neglect can take detailed documentation of sibling relationships.
It’s also essential to understand family roles. Have your parents completed their estate plans?
- Is the potentially abusive caregiver in a legal role like a power of attorney agent?
- Is a sibling guardian or conservator for a parent?
Holding a legal role corresponds with a higher level of duty and responsibility. Transparency in these roles by discussing legal documents such as guardianship, conservatorship, and medical and financial powers of attorney is vital to maintaining positive family relationships.
Family members who suspect abuse can always make a report to the police and county adult protective services. However, sometimes, contacting a third party for advice may be helpful.
Pamela D. Wilson serves as a power of attorney advisor and a family guardian advisor. She has over twenty years of experience in these elder law legal roles for the elderly and disabled. If you have questions about parents’ care and sibling or family relationships, complete the form at the bottom of this page to schedule a consultation.Document Red Flags
To prove that a sibling is manipulating, abusing, or neglecting elderly parents, you will want to document questionable activities. Start a diary of phone calls, text messages, and visit observations.
Document your parent’s mentions of using bank accounts, unusual spending, or denying access to medical care. The more information you have, the easier it will be to prove that a sibling is acting irresponsibly.
What happens day-to-day?
Ask these questions to determine if a situation of manipulation, undue influence, neglect or abuse is occurring in your family.
- Is a sibling refusing to arrange in-home care for parents, leaving them in a situation of potential harm or neglect?
- Is a sibling using a parent’s money for their benefit?
- Is a sibling complaining of exhaustion, burnout, or using substances to cope with stress?
All of the above can happen when parents need transportation to shop for groceries, pick up prescriptions, or see their doctor. The child paying bills and managing care may have limited time to help, resulting in harm or neglect. A son or daughter may refuse to use parent’s funds to pay for assistance because they are using a parent’s money. Impatience or verbal aggression may be a stress response.
- Is one parent having difficulty providing care for the other who needs a lot of care? Spouses caring for each other can suffer from their own health problems and may need help being the primary caregiver.
- Is a sibling or another family member isolating your parents to make visits difficult? Are they screening or listening to phone calls?
- Does your sibling or another family member ” speak for” mom, dad, or both parents?
- Is your parent expressing concerns about a lack of control over their life?
- Has your parent altered their power of attorney documents or their will or trust at the direction of your sibling?
Adult children may feel torn about confronting their parents or a sibling regarding concerns about physical or financial abuse. While taking action may feel intimidating, if you are aware of a potentially harmful or abusive situation and you do nothing, you contribute to the problem.
Toxic Sibling Relationships
There can be a lot of stress surrounding a sibling who is manipulating elderly parents. A parent may be hesitant to speak up against the actions of an adult child.
Other children may be torn about what to do, so they procrastinate and do nothing.
Toxic sibling or family relationships can be exhausting. The important issue is the well-being of aging parents over the personal desires of a manipulative sibling.
Manipulative siblings can be formidable enemies. They don’t think twice about prioritizing their well-being over the well-being of a parent.
Many who abuse money or neglect health have strong and intimidating personalities. They scare other people, including siblings, away.
Vulnerable Aging Parents
Financial exploration of the elderly by family members occurs more often than you might imagine.
Questions arise over which sibling should take care of a parent. Are children stealing from parents? Are they neglecting basic needs or health?
If you lack experience caring for aging parents, you may not know the signs to look for or the steps to take. If your parents could help themselves, they probably would.
It’s unlikely that they would want to be subjects of family elder abuse. On the other hand, parents might have caused the problem. They may have allowed their son or daughter to live with them and become dependent.
However, there is a point of no return where it is clear that siblings are taking advantage of elderly parents. When parents rely on an over-controlling son or daughter, they become victims.
As a son or daughter who suspects financial or healthcare abuse or neglect, the first step is to discuss concerns with a sibling. If you encounter resistance during discussions, ask other family members if they notice anything suspicious.
Stop Sibling Manipulation or Interference
Some siblings are skilled at manipulating and interfering in relationships. Children who gossip, say bad things about other family members or have volatile personalities can become so toxic that no one wants to deal with them.
If this is your situation and your parents or another family member is suffering, it’s time to stop the abuse. Complete the form below to contact Pamela D Wilson to schedule a consultation about steps you can take to resolve concerns about a sibling manipulating elderly parents.
If you or a sibling is a power of attorney agent for elderly parents and you’re looking for support, learn more by reviewing Pamela’s Power of Attorney Advisor Page.
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