List of Things to Do Before A Spouse Gets Sick
Talking about issues like retirement, health problems, a serious illness, or a diagnosis of dementia may seem too far into the future to discuss today. Regardless, it’s good to be aware of a list of things to do before a spouse gets sick.
If you have always been healthy, having conversations about health or health care can be difficult because you may not know what to discuss. Similarly, if you are a healthy caregiver faced with caring for a sick spouse, regardless of the diagnosis, you may be struggling to make a plan.
However, it takes two to plan for what to do before a spouse gets sick. If your spouse isn’t interested or engaged or does not understand the current situation, then it’s up to you to begin the conversations and keep them going.
Discussions when a couple is healthy differ significantly from conversations when one or both have health problems that affect daily activities. Conversations about life and health, where to live, how you want to manage health problems, and how you will pay for healthcare expenses can be emotional. Talking about a list of things to do before a spouse gets sick may include having uncomfortable, conversations and making difficult choices.
Spouses Can Refuse to Talk About Health
When people procrastinate, or an elderly parent, or a spouse is in refusal mode, you might hear “I’m okay, I don’t need any help, there’s no need to hire a caregiver. Why does anything have to change—everything is okay as it is.
Often the person making these statements may be in denial. You may hear I’m not forgetful, I don’t have dementia, my health problem isn’t that bad. All of these are deterrents to talking about a list of things to go before a spouse gets sick or sicker.
Each spouse’s approach to health may be different. Some individuals are proactive—they work hard at being healthy and active. Others don’t worry about health until something happens. Some refuse to see doctors because they fear bad news, and others, when diagnosed, don’t take the condition seriously until something happens and it can no longer be ignored.
Accepting a diagnosis and doing whatever you can to manage it is one thing. It’s different to deny a diagnosis exists, do nothing, and hope the health concern will not get worse.
Parents model health habits and patterns. How did your parents approach their health? Did you learn health habits from another family member or a friend? The state of your health today may be a combination of both experiences.
If you have attempted a conversation, your husband or wife may not understand why you are concerned. It’s also possible that you may not have been direct enough voicing concerns about making a list of things to do before a spouse gets sick.
What’s a List of Things to Do Before a Spouse is Diagnosed with Dementia?
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When my parents were retired, I heard my mother say, “I don’t know how I will financially survive if your father dies first.” When her health changed for the worse, I heard her tell my father, “I’m going to die first.”
Because both of my parents are gone and I can’t ask questions, it’s impossible to know what was going through my mother’s mind when she made these statements. As the child, these statements went in one ear and out the other.
I can say that I may not have taken my mother’s words seriously. Maybe I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t say anything. Nor did I have the experience to tell her that “everything would be okay.”
Health Consequences and Scheduling Conversations
Health diagnoses can have consequences and time limits. Some conditions, if identified early, can be well-managed. Others, if not identified until later, may present daily challenges.
If your spouse has a health problem, does he or she understand the consequences of their decisions on you as a couple? Maybe you’ve been the primary caregiver for years and today you are burned out and done. This alone is a reason to have the conversation about what to do before a spouse gets sicker or the caregiver becomes sick.
As a caregiver, maybe you’ve been hinting at exhaustion but have not been direct. So your spouse with a health problem may not understand what is at stake and why a list and decisions must be made. It’s up to you to get their attention one way or another.
Getting attention and discussing can happen with repeated requests and boundary setting before a spouse gets sick. For example,
“
Husband, wife, mom, dad – NO I’m not going to keep doing A, B, C, until we talk about X. I’ve tried to talk to you about X and it seems you’re not interested. Here are a couple of reasons why it’s important. Can you make time to talk about this on Wednesday at 6 pm? “If you need reasons, here are three:
- You are married or partnered and one of you has several health issues.
- Do you want to have realistic discussions about one of you becoming a caregiver for the other, and what does that look like?
- You want to talk about costs of care and how funds will be used for care so that all the money is not spent on the first spouse to become sick, leaving the surviving spouse with nothing.
These are all good conversation points to have before you marry someone. The health and spending habits you see with your spouse or partner today are unlikely to change. Make sure you can live with this for the rest of your life and both of you are willing to discuss a list of things to do before a spouse gets sick when you are healthy.
Lifelong Health Patterns Can Result in Resentment
The discussion can include who becomes the caregiver and what the caregiver’s life looks like. Is there an expectation that the person who needs care will do everything they can to remain independent and not need care?
Or has there been a lifelong pattern of a spouse or partner needing help, demanding help, and not taking a proactive role in any part of the relationship, including a healthy lifestyle? If so, this is even more reason to make a list of things to do before a spouse gets sick.
Many spouses marry and don’t have conversations about being healthy, being self-sufficient, and maintaining independence. One spouse sometimes does all the work while the other “coasts.”
Then, when caregiving becomes a role in later life, the spouse who did all the work becomes the caregiver and is angry or resentful.
Nothing in the marriage has changed. Your spouse, who is now sick and needs care and attention, has always expected and relied on you to do everything. It’s now up to you to initiate the discussion of things to do before your spouse gets sicker.
As the spouse caregiver, you may be resentful and angry because that retirement you hoped for is not going to happen. Your retirement will continue the pattern and expectations you set during your entire marriage.
Talking Points for List of Things to Do Before Your Spouse Gets Sick
So, let’s review a list situations and things to do before your spouse gets sick. This includes talking points and questions to ask to avoid unexpected situations.
1 If you live alone or are a couple
- Ensure you have a network of friends or family who can check in on you. So, for example, you don’t show up somewhere, haven’t been seen in a few days, or speak to a particular person – this person is concerned and can do something about it.
- Alternatively, set up a buddy system with a friend or another couple or a neighbor, and check in on each other regularly.
Why is this important? It’s crucial because the unexpected does happen.
A healthy spouse can suddenly become seriously ill and die. If the person who needs care had advanced dementia or a serious health condition, they may not be able to care for themselves.
If memory loss for either spouse is a possibility or runs in family history, review the list of 9 things to do before a spouse gets sick as early as possible.
It’s especially important to have a list of things to do before a spouse is diagnosed with dementia or has other serious illnesses. If you watch the video accompanying this article, you will hear me talk about Gene Hackman, the actor, and his wife Betsy Arakawa.
The Hackman’s died within a week of each other. Their dead bodies were not discovered in their home until 15 days after the first spouse died.
Betsy, the caregiver for Gene, was 65 years old, caring for Gene, who was 95 with advanced dementia. She died unexpectedly of the hantavirus. I doubt that Gene’s wife, Betsy, ever imagined in her wildest dreams that she would die and leave her husband with advanced Alzheimer’s alone and without care.
This is a tragic story. If it does nothing but serve as a discussion opener for couples and spouses to discuss having a plan and a backup plan for care, then the Hackman’s story can make a positive impact.
2 Set up a system to call 911 or emergency services
It doesn’t matter whether you have a cellphone with 911 on speed dial, a home alarm system, or a pendant that detects falls or serves as a cellphone communication device and has GPS. Have a system to get help when needed.
A system to call for help if you are injured or sick is important, especially if you are older and live alone, or younger and have a serious health issue. For example, a person with diabetes can pass out if blood sugar gets too low.
Some of the wearable emergency response devices detect falls. For example, if a person falls and becomes unconscious and directions are on file for the monitoring system to call a family member and 911, help can be dispatched within minutes.
In some situations, individuals have lain on the floor for days in their home before being discovered. Don’t let this happen to you.
Having an emergency call device for a sick spouse is a safety net that can relieve worry for a caregiver who leaves the person who needs care at home for even a short time. Alternatively, an emergency call device can give you peace of mind if you live alone and want to go out with the confidence that you have immediate access to help if a health event or accident happens.
3 A back-up system for caring for a spouse or aging parent
A “person” backup system is practical
- A back-up system might be hiring a caregiver for a couple of hours one day a week, so that if you need help or need more help, you have a system in place.
- It could be having a caregiver come, if you need to run errands or go shopping, just so there is someone to stay with your loved one and be there in the event that, for any reason, you don’t return home.
One rarely thinks anything will happen. Many caregivers want to do it all so they don’t access paid help or set up back-up care systems.
Having a caregiver back-up system can help you avoid a crisis. What happens if you get sick and must go to the doctor or the hospital? A paid caregiver or friend stays with your loved one while you get the care you need.
Caregivers often neglect their own medical care. Hiring a paid caregiver can help you stay committed to being healthy and getting the care you need before you become the spouse who gets sick.
4 A back-up plan for dying
Having a back-up plan and back-up people for what happens if the caregiver spouse suddenly dies or dies in an accident is practical for a caregiving couple.
If you are suddenly gone, who shows up to care for your husband or wife? Who receives that phone call? Is it a family member or someone else?
While these conversations can be unpleasant, they address reality. Having these discussions when you are not deathly ill or when a spouse’s dementia has not progressed too far is necessary.
Each spouse needs to know what the other spouse wants for care. Put this information in writing so you know each other’s plans.
5 Get your legal documents in order before a spouse gets sick
This includes medical and financial power of attorney a living will and a will or a trust. Following up on whether one spouse will die before the other, these legal documents are invaluable to make sure there is another person who can legally step in to manage care if or when needed.
If you have a spouse with advanced dementia or Alzheimer’s and you do not have these documents, it may be too late for your spouse to execute them. You may have to seek guardianship and conservatorship and make a provision for a successor guardian or conservator to ensure your spouse receives care.
With any memory loss, waiting to execute legal documents can create unexpected difficulties.
6 Get your financial house in order
If you are a couple or partner still working, talk about how you will pay for care when you are older and set aside money for care. Consider purchasing a long-term care insurance policy.
Know that Medicare is limited to medically related care. Your savings and social security will fund your care.
Talk about money for care often. Gather information about current costs for in-home care, assisted living, memory care, nursing homes, etc. If you didn’t save enough and are concerned about how you will pay for care, investigate your state Medicaid program so you know how it works.
The earlier you plan financially and legally, the less stress you will face if or when something unexpected happens.
7 As much as possible and in accordance with your lifelong habits, be attentive to your health
See your doctor regularly for annual check-ups or to manage an ongoing health concern. Help your caregiver care for you.
If you are a caregiver who neglects your medical care, realize that you may not be around to care for your loved one.
Discuss with your spouse what you want for extensive care if something serious happens. Do you want lifesaving measures or not? These conversations are very important to have and to document.
9 Be considerate of what you will leave behind for your spouse or partner when you die
- What is your living situation? Rent, own, condo, townhome, house?
- Where do you live? In the city, suburbs, or rural area?
- Is your home easy to manage or is it a lot of work to maintain?
- Have you maintained your home? What is the condition?
- If you die first, does your partner know how to pay the bills? Do they have access to all of the financial information?
Consider what you are leaving for your spouse or partner. How easy will it be to continue to pay the bills and manage the house? Should you downsize today? Should you clean out years of stuff in your house? What do you want your retirement life to look like?
These are all practical discussions to have and to continue to have so that if or when an unexpected health issue crops up–that can throw your life off balance–you will have a plan.
Having a plan is a practical step rather than dealing with the unexpected or placing your spouse or partner in a position where they may struggle to find care or be cared for. I encourage you to have conversations and start planning today.
Looking For Help With a List of Things to Do Before a Spouse Gets Sick? Schedule a 1:1 Consultation With Pamela today.
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