Today is the day before Christmas, also known as Christmas Eve. It is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus. After his birth, three wise men from afar came bearing gifts. This is the reason we give gifts to each other at Christmas. It's all the Magi's fault that we have to shop, and order on line, and pay extra for overnight delivery. So thanks a lot Balthasar, Melchior, and Gaspar, enjoy your rubber cigar.

    All of my gifts have been purchased and wrapped so I had some extra time to write a Christmas poem that I hope will be recited for ages. 

Twas the night before Christmas, or Christmas Eve,

as I unravel the tale I'm about to conceive.

It was quiet that night,

no alarms had gone off.

But pipe-smoking Santa started to cough.

Years of abuse had damaged his innards,

to the point where he had to be rushed to the hospital where he died.

And I heard him declare as he drifted from sight,

"Who the —— just turned out the lights?

THAT'LL SHOW HIM

    Have you ever had a product that was so bad you just wanted to throw it against a wall? That's how Tuomas Katainen, from Finland felt about his Tesla. In addition to other problems plaguing his auto, Tuomas was told that he needed a new battery at a cost of $22,000! Since his 8 year old car was out of warranty, he did what any rational Tesla owner would do, he blew it up. 

    He rigged his model-S with 60 pounds of dynamite and placed a doll that bore a likeness to Elon Musk behind the wheel. He pushed the button and another Tesla went up into space.

    Elon Musk was counting his money and not available for comment.

NO JOKES FOR YOU

    Ten years ago, Kim Jong-Un's father Kim Jong-il passed away and to honor the tenth anniversary of his death, Kim Jong-Un has issued some rather bizarre warnings for his countrymen. For the 10 day mourning period, they are forbidden to laugh, drink, or engage in any celebration or leisure activity. Well that's going to put a big dent in Christmas, which is also forbidden.

    So what is a North Korean supposed to do for ten days? After working 12 hours in a munitions factory you can't even stop for a drink on your way home. If your birthday falls within the mourning period there will be no celebration, and - this is true - if somebody dies during this period, you are not allowed to cry out loud.

    Well, for crying out loud, that does it for me, a North Korean comedy tour is off my bucket list. 

FLORIDA

    In Clearwater, Florida, a traffic stop produced a driver who was arrested for DUI and marijuana possession. A search of the man revealed that the had cocaine and methamphetamine taped around his wiener, but in true Floridian form he said that the drugs were not his and he didn't know whose drugs they are. 

    Lesson to be learned, if authorities find drugs wrapped around your penis, simply say "Hey, that's not my penis."