You meet all sorts of people when dating! It can be a scary time of your life. There are so many unknowns when looking for love that it can be easy to become scared of love! Especially if you’ve been hurt by a past love or from family trauma.

Finding worthwhile people to date, who seem to be looking for a serious relationship, is like being at a Masquerade party at Halloween. With everyone in costume, you can’t easily tell who’s who or what a person’s values, character, or intentions are.

And, perhaps lurking in the back of your mind, is this insidious gremlin, the one called Mistrust. You are constantly plagued by the question, “How can I trust this person?”. You have probably been disappointed by other seemingly great candidates in the past only to be let down. And you begin to wonder, “Why should the next person be any different?”

Mistrust is a hard gremlin to shake.

Your fear of love may have served you well, keeping you safe at times. And yet, where has it actually gotten you? It takes a lot of work to get beyond the fear and to give a good person a chance to show you that they are the right one. As in any relationship, you do have to set your boundaries, though. When you share what’s comfortable for you, and what’s not, the right person will respect those boundaries. And, of course, the wrong person will try to push past them.

If you are scared of love, and finding it hard to trust someone, here’s the secret: Trust must be earned.

Think of it like a bank account that accumulates trust money over time. A person who shows up, seems sincere, follows through, etc. deposits trust into the relationship. However, if a person does something to lose your trust, you will most likely make an immediate withdrawal of your trust funds! So how can you start trusting someone when you’re scared of love?

My dating advice for those scared of love is to see how the person follows through on what they say.

Watch for these things, among others:

• Is he reliable? He shows up on time or calls you to tell you he is going to be late. He makes dates with you in advance and keeps the dates.
• Is she open about her life: friends, family, work, or his dating intentions?
• Can you talk about an issue without him changing the subject or invalidating your feelings?
• Is she easy to get a hold of and forthcoming about her plans?
• Is he clear and open about his intentions for dating? What are his long-term dating goals?

If you answer “no” to any of these questions, then I’d pay attention to the gremlin warning you to be careful and tread lightly. You can see if this partner is open to hearing what you find acceptable or not acceptable. Perhaps there are extenuating circumstances in that person’s life. Are they willing to be open with you about what’s going on? To overcome your fear of love, you need to be able to trust this person. Moreover, they need to show up consistently and be real with you.

Trust is an integral component of an intimate serious relationship.

For the relationship to progress into something lasting and authentic, it’s important to Trust the person you’re dating. What do your instincts say? If something is bothering you about a person, listen to these nagging instincts. Without trust, a relationship can not survive. Tread lightly if you must. Talk about your feelings around trust openly with your partner to gain a greater sense of security and deepen your intimacy.

But be careful of blindly trusting someone with this information that you barely know.

When I started dating after my divorce (my trust was crushed in my first marriage), I was scared of love too.. I also had to acknowledge my “how can I trust this person” gremlin, pay my respects to it, and journey forward into dating, knowing that this gremlin was on my back. And when it came up, I had to deal with it head-on in order to give myself a chance to find new love. Neither ignoring my gremlin nor running away from love, was going to help me with my desire to have love and a family.

Pay attention to your values.

Sometimes you don’t see things until you’re already invested in the relationship. One of my female clients was dating a single man in another city. It wasn’t until she moved her entire life, new job and all, that she saw what was really going on. He wanted a glorified babysitter. His intentions were not pure. The distance and her desire to be loved made it easy to ignore the signs that he had been giving off.

Should you be scared of love? I don’t think so. But you should be cautious. Take your time to get to know your love interest, their family and friends, their values and lifestyle choices. Don’t rush into the relationship, there is so much to consider before tying the knot.

Remember, YOU get to decide the right timing for you. Even though I’m the Motivated to Marry Coach, I believe in spending the appropriate time with someone based on your age, responsibilities, work and family commitments, and life goals. And many of my clients don’t get married for various reasons, although they do have wonderful committed partnerships.

If you’re scared of love, and struggling with trust, start with some reflection.

Ask yourself:

• When has the Mistrust gremlin come up for me?
• When did my issues with trust begin and what impact has it had on my love relationships?
• How have I managed dating despite this? When was I successful?
• What has me scared of love this time? Do I need help to overcome it?

If you don’t want to be scared of love and do want to embrace the adventure of it all, then let’s talk. Now is a great time to get yourself ready to find the love and life, you’ve always desired. Let’s get you real clear of your personal values, non-negotiables, and how you can embrace love, instead of being scared of love this time around.