One of the tag lines I have used in describing The Lett Group, my etiquette consultancy, is “Teaching Professionals to Outclass Their Competition”.  I used the word “Outclass” to illustrate the rating system we use when describing others.  People are described as “Classy”, “low-class”, “upper-class”, “high-class” or maybe “no-class”.  The breakdown of what class someone or something fits into is an emotional decision we make when interacting.   How do I feel being with that person?  How does that venue make me feel?  Am I respected, cared for, appreciated, celebrated by being there? Or… do I feel inconvenienced, disrespected, taken for granted or ignored?  I venture to guess that you would rather be the former rather than the latter.  We all would be.  So the question is, “How are your manners?”

Often we refer to someone who has impeccable manners as being “classy”or a “Class Act”.  They make others feel important and appreciated.  You might think to yourself, “How does the way someone holds their knife and fork have any influence on whether I feel important to them? “How does the way this person dresses have any relevance to whether they appreciate me?”  The thing is, it’s all part of the whole “us” that we present to others.  We are being rated – judged – from the first  moment we meet someone.  Everything about us is part of their rating of us.  How we look, our posture, our clothes, our body language, our tone of voice, our words, our grammar, our friendliness or lack thereof, our approachability, our inherent kindness, empathy, and knowledge influence whether they will rate us as “classy”, “low-class”, “a 10”, “a 2”, “5 stars” or less.  If we turn people off when we eat with them, or insult them when speaking with them our ratings go down.  If we follow the rules of etiquette, knowing how to eat without bringing notice or speak with others showing our care and concern for them in the conversation, our ratings stay high.  When we dress appropriately for the occasion so that those around us enjoy the view rather and not wishing we would pull up our pants or show less cleavage, our ratings remain high.  There are many rules of etiquette to follow to present the best “us” to the world and those with whom we live.  The Lett Group would be happy to provide a consultation or class for you or your organization  to brush up on the specifics.

If you are working in a business and are lucky enough to meet the public each day, your practice of proper etiquette will make the difference in your business’s ratings.  When I was the Director of Great Inns of America in the 1980’s, it was my job to visit country inns and historic hotels around the country and determine their ratings.  Nothing less than 5 Diamonds (AAA) and 5 Stars (Mobil) would allow the inn to be invited to join Great Inns of America.  The determining factors for the ratings weren’t just the physical items – cleanliness, proper furniture, tended garden, curb appeal, no chipped paint, quiet, electronics that worked, safety and how good was the food served. Those were important and if they were excellent, the rating level was an 8 or 4 Stars/Diamonds.  But it was whether the staff made the guest feel cared for, important and appreciated that added the last Star/Diamond to their rating thus allowing for an invitation to join the group.  It was how the innkeepers used good manners, kindness and care that made the difference.

As we go through our days, it is prudent that we always keep in mind that how we make a difference in other’s lives.How we rate in the eyes of our customers, friends and family, has to do with how we touch their emotions, not just their intellect.  If we make them feel like they are the most special person in the room, our ratings will be 10 out of 10 or 5 Stars/ 5 Diamonds.  It is the proper etiquette we know and practice that make it easy for us to achieve the highest ratings in everything we do.

It seems it is always gift giving time!  Since the holidays are almost here and you want to be finished with your gift list prior to the week before… I’m going to focus on the coming season.  Gift giving etiquette is simple, really.

If you are planning on giving gifts to children, it is all about their wishlist, not what you want them to have necessarily.  The best option here is to ask their parents what are they talking about now.  If budgets are tight, opt for just one gift on their list – don’t go into debt to get their approval which is fleeting (disappears within 48 hours of opening).

If you are planning on giving to adults, the advice is the same, don’t go into debt to buy something for the holidays.  The best gift is always going to be a gift of your time so think of what you both would enjoy doing together or what task they would like a reprieve from.  My son had his birthday last week and the best gift he got other than an heirloom from his grandfather, was a trip to the aquarium locally and lunch with a family friend whom he loves.  The out of pocket cost is minimal but the memory of spending a day together, just the two of them, is priceless.  Another take on this theme would be a gift of a service you can offer – cleaning out a closet, washing a car, two weeks of dog walks, putting together and downloading a playlist for their phone, raking leaves in their yard, and the list goes on.  In other words, as much as it is good to support the local economy, doing something for someone that they would like a break from doing is equally or more valuable.  It also shows how much you care for them.  Don’t forget to give a card in which you can describe the service or item.  They will remember this gift long after they have forgotten the sweater or tie.

If a retiree in their 60s or 70s is aware he/she has some annoying personality trait (like talking too much) and maybe is teased on occasion by his/her family about it, are there any practical steps this person can take to improve, address or eliminate this annoying habit? (i.e., exercises or behavior-changing tools or tips you can suggest, etc.)

Can you give an example of how an older person can change a negative part of his/her personality for the better?

To what extent is it possible for a retiree in their 60s or 70s to change a longstanding but negative behavior? Can an “old dog learn new tricks”?

Answer provided by Cynthia Lett:

It is always easier to change a behavior if you haven’t been actively engaged in that behavior for very long. However, you asked how a 60+ person can change annoying habits. First of all, they have to want to change their behavior. Merely knowing it is annoying to others isn’t much incentive if they have been getting away with it all along with no consequences. The offender has to learn of the negative responses they are getting because of that behavior in a constructive manner. For instance, being told that commenting on other’s dress in a negative way hurts feelings and thus encourages those being insulted to not invite the offender to events in the future, may be a good incentive to try to stop the behavior. Someone close to that person can say that the offender would have been invited to more social functions if their comments about how others dressed weren’t so mean.

It has been shown (and I couldn’t quote exactly where) that to change negative behavior for positive is easier when a close, non judgmental friend or relative offers quiet reminders to the offender to stop the annoying behavior. To encourage consistent change, someone whom the offender trusts and has their best interests at heart can suggest, “I know you mean to be kinder when you talk with people. I could nudge you when I hear you being unkind and it will remind you to think of a nicer way to say what you’re saying to them.”

As an etiquette expert, I sometimes hear the opposite however. My own father who was 82 years old at the time, said to me at a formal dinner we were both attending and sitting next to each other, “I know I am not behaving the way you teach your students to behave at the table but I’m 82 and I honestly don’t care one whit what people think of the way I eat. I am too old to change.”
With that kind of logic, I just had to accept what he has done all along and not allow it to bother me, since nothing I could do would change it.

One thing those around a boorish offender could do that might help the offender want to change is to point out the unkindness at the time it happens rather than letting it go and then coming back to it later. Many people, no matter what age they are, are unaware of their unkind speech or actions and will not know that change is necessary unless they are called on it in a quiet and encouraging way like I mentioned above.

Therefore it is important for us to know how to be gracious and appropriate when we are with disabled friends, relatives, colleagues and everyone else.  A Lett Group member and colleague, Ellen Shackelford recently appeared on Good Morning Washington on WJLA ABC in Washington, DC to talk about the etiquette involved with living among others who are disabled.  Ellen knows first hand the challenges of being disabled due to a car crash she was engaged in 33 years ago after which she was paralyzed from the waist-down and uses a wheelchair for mobility.  Tragically she also lost a son in that crash.

Watch her interview here.

To determine how important it is for customers to know the names of the persons they are doing business with, Imprint Plus, leading manufacturer of customized reusable name badge and signage systems, sponsored a random survey of 1,000 men and women across the U.S. conducted by 72Point.

According to the survey, seventy one percent (71%) of those surveyed considered it extremely or somewhat important to know the name of a service person when doing business with them. More than 50% of customers stated that being on a first name basis with a service provider fosters better customer service. Over 60% of customers felt that by knowing the name of a sales or service representative it would contribute to the likelihood of repeat business.

In prior surveys, when customers were asked whether it is important to recognize a person by name when doing business, an overwhelming number of the total respondents (96%) said yes.  Over 70% of all respondents agreed upon the importance of identifying a sales person by name and 78% stated that they have more trust in a business whose employees wear name badges, and consider the company more professional.

“A name badge stating a sales associates’ name, title and area of expertise is a personalized introduction to the customer, one that the survey clearly establishes as a pathway to developing better customer relations with the business establishment, as well as generating more sales and frequent visits,” says Kristin MacMillan, President of Imprint Plus.

Name badges also play a role in branding a sales associate, as more than 70% of those surveyed stated that name badges helped them to remember the name of the person that they have met in business, and nearly 60% stated that a name badge is often the ice breaker that leads to an introduction. In restaurant establishments, 57% of those surveyed indicated that they like to know the name of the waiter or waitress when dining out.

• Don’t talk louder on the phone than you would if the person was standing in front of you.
• Don’t clutter up your desk – everyone is looking at it all the time.
• Don’t use the speakerphone at your desk.  Instead go to a more private space where fewer colleagues will be able to overhear.
• Don’t infringe on the personal space of others.  That means don’t hang out at their desk and definitely not near their chair when they are in it.  No one likes to feel crowded.
• Don’t eat smelly foods at your desk.
• Be light on your cologne – no one should be able to smell it unless they are really, really close to you.
• Be sure the ringer on your desk phone is set low.
• If you need to speak with someone who is not sitting next to you, get up and go to that person.  Don’t holler across the office for them.
• Listen to music or radio only with earphones.
• No swearing.

Additionally, some other basic rules of office etiquette become even more important when the whole office can hear everything you say.   These include reprimanding someone.  Go to a closed door location to give bad news or reprimand someone.  Hold meetings that last more than two minutes in a separate area so workers who are not included in the meeting don’t have to listen to it.

The key to successful open work places is that everyone should be aware that they are being watched, listed to and considered throughout the day.  Be nice, be aware of what you are saying and don’t bring unusual attention to yourself by annoying others.