Monday, January 31, 2011

Twelve-year-old Amie gives a perfect two-minute talk on George Washington in front of her peers, she gets a standing ovation, and her smile may be permanent. "That's healthy success—self-worth and resiliency in the making," confirms forty-year child psychotherapy veteran Gary M. Unruh, MSW, LCSW. "And that's just part of the story. Amie's 'I don't want to' drama did not keep her parents from insisting on three hours of grueling practice." A hearty round of high fives was the first order of business as Amie announced her victory the minute she got home.

Great performances are essential for a child to lead a successful life. "But that's only one side of the success coin. A child being comfortable in his or her own skin is the other side of the coin, and it's this side that needs to shine most brightly."

Melding the two success sides together in just the right way is tricky; that's what Unruh does every day with struggling clients. Unruh explains, "Often parents put too much emphasis on the performance part of parenting because the results are so rewarding to everybody, and it seems to be the best way to establish the life-essential belief of self-worth. But focusing equal attention on fully developing a child's individuality always produces the most responsible, resilient child."

Parental attention on a child's individuality is currently getting a bad rap in America: parents are being accused of being over-permissive 'wusses,' and our children's overall academic performance is ranked seventeenth in the world. It's true, American parents generally are too permissive and are not requiring enough hard-knocks classes in the home. As the nation debates the unquestionable merits of hard work, persistence, and no excuses (Time, 1/31/2011), let's not forget the criticality of fully developing a child's individuality.

Here is Unruh's two-point plan for helping parents maintain the necessary focus on fully developing a child's individuality.

1. Children need to feel comfortable in their own skin. Is it almost impossible for twelve-year-old Adam to be content with himself with his myriad freckles and red hair, and the fact that he's always being told to sit down so others can see? "Not really," says Unruh. "That is, if parents consistently support the two deep-down parts within a child like Adam." First, Adam's parents need to support his feelings, especially during tough times. For example, they need to support his angry feelings about being called 'carrot top' and then help him figure out a way, eventually on his own, to deal with the teasers. Acknowledging—not condemning or ignoring—feelings is the most effective way for a child to feel understood and valued at the deepest level possible.

The second deep-down part parents need to support is a child's very own attributes. In Adam's case, he's funny and fun to be with and shows caring for handicapped children; he spends three hours a week helping out in the special education classroom. Through regular acknowledgment by parents, especially during tough times, the attributes' root system is strengthened. And if Adam's a budding Michael Jordan, turn on the hard-work program, if there is adequate interest.

2. Children need to develop good character. Being trustworthy, caring, responsible, and respectful are character essentials. Parents need to teach by example and be "tigers" (not too harsh now) when it comes to necessary daily practice.

Here is one way to keep character-building front and center. Post a list of ideal family character traits on the kitchen wall with four or five everyday examples for each trait. Work on one trait for each month. For example, several times a week, point out examples of trustworthiness in everyday life. People value good character, and developing it is satisfying at the deepest level of a child's soul. There is even a part of the brain that lights up when compassion is expressed.

Fully developing a child's individuality—the deep-down qualities—establishes a solid foundation of inside worth, an internal belief that's crucial to living life fully. Add that to maximum healthy performance, and parents can count on raising an all-around successful child.