Monday, February 21, 2011

"Western moms are over permissive and raising wimps." That's the diagnosis made by the national media and a Tiger mom. "Don't feel too bad, Mom. It's a misdiagnosis. Western parenting focuses on a child's individuality. That's healthy. It just needs some tweaking," according to veteran child psychotherapist Gary M. Unruh, MSW LCSW.

Over permissiveness is actually a symptom, not a diagnosis, and there is a cure. It's the result of overdoing the healthy focus on a child's individuality, which often results in diminished resiliency. Unruh clarifies: "When parents focus on the core of who a child is, they establish good mental health within their child. But be careful, parents. Don't shield your children too much from life's realities; resiliency will not be adequately established."

Parents can cure over protectiveness with Unruh's three-point Unleashing Parental LoveTM approach, while still maintaining the healthy focus on a child's individuality.

Use life's consequences to establish thick skin. A child's being thin-skinned is the result of shielding the child too much from life's hard knocks. Unruh explains, "A child's self-worth gets a big boost through successful experiences of independent problem solving." When a child is teased at school, role play different options for dealing effectively with the teaser. Unruh advises, "Set expectations according to your child's personality. A passive, quiet child may not be able to confront the bully as the first step but could report the problem to a teacher. And don't forget to celebrate successes."

Establish the habit of hard work. Not learning to delay gratification for a future achievement is a recipe for an unsuccessful life. Use chores, school, and relationship-building to establish self-worth through hard work. Unruh warns, "Expect unhappiness when children are required to stick with boring tasks; it's all part of the learning curve." Set up chore requirements, specific times, and standards for quality work. Expect top academic performance according to a child's capacity. Establish healthy relationship guidelines and monitor for success.

Don't avoid conflict when teaching life's lessons. Being angry, yelling and arguing, or feeling sad about not getting one's own way—those responses are just part of being human. Parents often avoid teaching life's lessons because they don't want to upset their children. Beware: Children will use this avoidance to manipulate parents. Unruh cautions, "Don't stop teaching just because a child is upset. Working through the conflict is a critical learned skill; avoiding upset feelings fosters low self-worth." When a child shows excessive upset or always argues and yells in response to parents' requests or rules, parents need to adjust expectations.

Conclusion: Western moms are on the right track; developing a child's individuality is the foundation of self-worth. But don't become over protective; it's not good for your child's mental health.