If you are a family caregiver, there may come a time when aging parents expect too much. Some adult children feel a great sense of duty and responsibility to care for their parents. When aging parents expect too much, it is time for adult children to initiate caregiving discussions about what is practical and realistic.
Caregiving At What Cost?
Should caring for an aging parent or a spouse extend to the personal destruction of the caregiver’s life, physical and emotional health, job or career, marriage, pursuit of education, family life, friendships, social activities, hobbies, and interests?
While this description of
the tradeoffs caregivers make may sound extreme, it happens more often than one might imagine. In a perfect world, the role of being a caregiver would also include
an exit plan for when one can no longer be the caregiver.
When Expectations Become Destructive
When aging parents expect too much, the life of a son or daughter—often the primary caregiver—becomes consumed with managing care activities. Being a sole caregiver can be a recipe for disaster in many ways.
Early in the care relationship, doing it all seems more manageable than involving other people. However, over time, doing it all creates greater expectations from others.
- Expectations by aging parents that the current situation will continue indefinitely
- Expectations by non-involved siblings that they will never have to participate in care for aging parents
- Expectations by other family members that the “good child” will continue to trade parts of his or her life for care responsibilities
Because the role of a caregiver is usually a new experience, caregivers have no idea what to expect.
Many caregivers believe the role to be short-term, for example, offering support after an illness or an accident. In most cases, the event leads to a care need that grows into another need and another health problem for an aging parent.
Caregivers who agree to a short-term project find themselves caregiving 1, 5, 10, or 20 years into the future. The more time spent as a caregiver, the more difficult it is to walk away for fear of disappointing an aging parent, not meeting expectations, or having significant feelings of guilt.
Make A Plan for the Stages of Care
In my article,
The Four Stages of Caregiving for Elderly Parents, I describe the increasing care needs of aging parents and spouses. If you are a caregiver, these four stages of care will eventually apply to you.
In all care situations, having early and ongoing discussions to make a plan for the stages of care is critical to avoiding caregiver burnout and sometimes unrepairable family relationships.
As the health needs of aging parents increase, there may be more frequent doctor appointments, more medications to manage, medical decisions to make, paid care services to manage, financial decisions to make, and discussions about end-of-life planning.
Caregiving is Messy
Being a caregiver or the person who needs care can become a complicated mess if there are no discussions. For most people, talking about the realities of aging, managing health problems, and death is emotionally distressing.
There are transitions that can occur with aging and increased care needs. For example,
- Downsizing from a larger home where children were raised to a smaller home, townhome, or condo
- Where to live—in the city, one has always lived in or to move to be closer to family and medical care
- Who and how care will be provided—in the home with family or paid caregivers or in an assisted living community when the time comes
With age and advancing health conditions, understanding who can help and what help is available can help manage the expectations of aging parents. When aging parents expect too much, there should be ongoing check-ins between parents and their caregivers to maintain balance in care relationships.
Care Relationships and Discussions
Parents who delay discussing and planning for care more often expect adult children to be their caregivers and their care plan. In my experience, parents who make plans often inform their children and make it clear that they do not want to be a burden.
In some situations, parents may attempt to have conversations, and adult children may delay their participation. In others, adult children may begin the conversation, and aging parents may refuse to share information or admit they need help.
Spouses can avoid having care and end-of-life conversations when one spouse does not want to imagine life without the other spouse. While the spouse with the greater number of chronic diseases may be expected to pass away first, spouse caregivers pre-decease the sick spouse as the result of stress and health concerns.
In some families, grandchildren become caregivers for their grandparents. Skipping a generation in caregiving happens when parents are not good parents or are unavailable, and their children are raised by their grandparents.
Broadening the Scope of Involvement
When caring for aging parents, examine existing family members and if or how they might contribute. Care in the family can involve immediate family—children and siblings. Then, speak with siblings of aging parents, nieces, and nephews who may live nearby.
Care support can also involve investigating social service organizations and paid care services. The best outcomes to avoid aging parents who expect too much involve early investigation, planning, and practical discussions.
If you are a caregiver unsure about what options exist or seeking more information,
scheduling a consultation with a caregiving expert can save you and your aging parents time, worry, and money.
You can also find support and help by watching videos on
Pamela’s YouTube Channel. Balance Kindness, Compassion, and Practicality
Caregiving is an emotional journey. Experiencing health problems and managing them can also be emotionally distressing and frightening.
Honest discussions about the stresses the caregiver and care receiver experience can lead to kind, compassionate, and practical interactions that are positive.
While aging parents who need care may have expectations of care for their adult children, it’s also important to acknowledge that adult children have their lives to manage.
Older adults managing health problems also have a responsibility to themselves. This includes being proactive about health and recommended medical care.
Setting boundaries around expectations of care for aging parents is a practical step. For example, a family caregiver can agree to help five hours a week or help with certain aspects of care. Beyond this commitment, other options must be explored. Another family caregiver may agree to purchase groceries once a month or pay for a housekeeping service.
When aging parents need more care that can reasonably, practically, or financially be provided, completing a state Medicaid application may be the next step in addition to researching options at care communities or nursing homes.
Transparency: Secrecy versus Privacy
Aging parents, the primary caregiver, and siblings should be included in all care discussions. While
siblings who do not provide care may not be interested or want to participate in discussions, offering this level of transparency can avoid surprises or disagreements later.
Uninvolved adult children may be surprised by a parent’s health condition, advancing health problems, the responsibilities taken on by a brother or sister who is the primary caregiver, the legal plans of aging parents, or financial matters.
While aging parents may have expectations of secrecy, placing the primary caregiver in a position of “know but don’t tell” can cause significant problems. Parents are entitled to privacy; however, family secrets can backfire and cause significant battles in families.
For example, an aging parent who wants to keep secrets about who inherits property or money or a son or daughter who may be disinherited in their will can be a problem. These secrets may turn into costly and toxic legal battles after the passing of an aging parent when the
primary caregiver is accused of undue influence or pressuring parents to change a will, trust, or estate plan.
In these situations, the caregiver is best to advise Mom or Dad to share the information with the family to eliminate a contested will or estate plan later.
Similar situations apply to agents listed in
medical and financial power of attorney documents. When a parent has dementia, legal documents can be changed by the primary caregiver who seeks influence or wants to change previously stated wishes. A caregiver with poor intentions may remove a sibling who is named power of attorney agent and name themself.
If all family members have copies of estate planning documents and participate in discussions about a parent’s wishes, changing documents without family agreement or knowledge will be more difficult.
Family Support for Aging Parents
Family support for aging parents that includes discussions by all family members offers the best results. While not all children may be able to participate in care activities, being transparent about the needs of aging parents can help the primary caregiver manage unrealistic expectations.
If you are the primary caregiver, there may be a time when the day-to-day aspects of caregiving are no longer practical for you, and you may ask your siblings to become involved. There may also be a time when you can no longer be the caregiver, and an aging parent must move into a care community so that you can go on with your life.
When aging parents expect too much, involving family members, having discussions, and setting boundaries around the practicalities of care is a reasonable plan.
©2024 Pamela D Wilson All Rights Reserved
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