An elderly parent who needs care can bring concerned adult children back together. But what happens when an elderly mother lets her second husband and his family take over her care and daily needs and limit involvement by biological children?
Late-life changes in marital situations can negatively impact spouses’ later-life health concerns. Since adult children more often become caregivers for elderly parents, changes in family structures and social support can result in challenges.
Separation of Pre-Marital Assets in Remarriages
Family relationships can be complicated when elderly parents remarry due to death or divorce. Not all spouses consider the potential need, cost of care, or the benefit of pre-marital legal documents to separate pre-marital assets.
A spouse is usually the primary caregiver for a spouse. Before remarriages, many questions should be asked specific to an eventual need for care.
- Where will the couple live? In his home or her home?
- Will they purchase a home together, and with whose assets?
- Who inherits the home when the parents die?
- What assets are available to pay for care when the first spouse becomes ill?
- If the caregiver spouse has a long-term care insurance policy, will this policy premium continue to be paid if funds are needed to care for the sick spouse?
- Will there be money left to care for the surviving spouse?
These are realistic discussions that couples who remarry should have but don’t. As a result, biological children can feel uncomfortable navigating relationships with a step-parent and step-siblings when health problems arise.
Family Rifts Over the Care of an Elderly Mother or Father
Family rifts between step-children can occur over care needs and care costs of an elderly parent. This is more likely when parents do not make an effort to bring the blended families together.
The first parent in remarriage to need care can be the parent who benefits most from shared marital assets. If this is your stepparent, your stepbrothers and stepsisters may likely become involved in managing and paying for care, although this is not always true.
The quality of parent-child relationships impacts adult children’s interest in caring for aging parents. Support from adult children can positively impact a parent’s health and decision-making.
Involvement of Adult Children
A second husband needing care may not come up in discussions with an elderly mother, especially if his children are helping manage care responsibilities. However, this can be the beginning of concerns of an elderly mother’s husband and his family taking over care and other needs.
If children live locally and visit frequently, they may know about a stepfather’s care needs but may not ask who is involved.
Family caregiving can be an “out of sight, out of mind” experience. As long as someone is the caregiver, the other children are relieved to continue living their lives.
However, this lack of involvement by adult children can backfire in remarriages of elderly parents, where an elderly mother’s husband and her family take over managing day-to-day events, health, and finances.
Remarriages and Spousal Care
Suppose legal documents for medical or financial power of attorney were not in place before the remarriage. In that case, step-siblings may control the money and both parents’ care decisions.
The obvious question is whose care receives priority, especially if marital assets are limited? If one spouse cannot manage these decisions, biological and step-children may become involved.
Biological children can feel shocked or resentful when an elderly mother’s husband and his family take over. Step-children can feel the same about an elderly father’s wife and his family taking over.
Power of Attorney and Estate Documents
Legal appointments for remarriages and spousal care can play out in various situations:
- An elderly mother whose biological children did not maintain a close relationship may feel more comfortable with step-children in legal roles of power of attorney and executor of the estate or trustee.
- If step-siblings are proactive with the care of their father, they may create legal documents for their father and your mother at the same time to be efficient. Step-siblings may not have felt it necessary to consult with biological children.
- Alternatively, an elderly parent may not want to appear ungrateful for the assistance of step-children caring for a spouse, so they agree to whatever legal assignments the step-children recommend.
Best Case Blended Family Scenarios
If your parents are remarried and still healthy, I recommend having family discussions about care, marital assets, and legal documents. Complete transparency can avoid major conflicts between step-children when one parent needs care before the other.
Involving a caregiving expert as a
power of attorney advisor can help initiate these conversations if parents are resistant to listening to adult children’s concerns or if adult children are uncomfortable discussing marital issues with their parents.
If your parents have not yet remarried, having these discussions is vital to inform them of the risks of improper asset separation specific to remarriage and future healthcare needs. While parents may feel children are crossing the boundaries of telling them what to do, if they choose not to listen, you can say you attempted to have these discussions.
Potential Manipulation by an Elderly Mother’s Husband and His Family
Just as adult children can manipulate parents in first marriages, the same manipulation can occur with parents in a second marriage. While most adult children may be grown and living on their own, a dependent child on either side of the marriage may have relied on a parent for money or emotional support.
Couples in remarriages should discuss the aspect of support to grown children and be on the same page to avoid marital discord.
I have seen adult children move back into the home of remarried because of difficulty supporting themselves. An adult child may position the move as “I will take care of you if you take care of me.”
While one parent may be uncomfortable with this arrangement, this spouse may not want to make waves, so they agree. Challenges arise later when there is no written, notarized agreement about expectations for who pays for what, what type of assistance will be provided, and how long.
Independent adult children may be very concerned about potential financial abuse or neglect of the care of elderly parents by dependent siblings living in a parent’s home. These concerns, if proven, can lead to involvement by the police, adult protective services, and legal intervention.
The Challenges of Navigating Stepfamily Caregiving
When adult children discover manipulation situations by a second spouse or step-siblings, too much time may have passed.
- An elderly mother may be diagnosed with dementia and is unable to remember past circumstances.
- The healthy spouse may control the situation and be unwilling to share information or even limit contact or visitation by biological children.
- A mother’s retirement savings may have been spent to pay for the care of a second spouse.
- Step-children may be less attentive to a stepmother’s care than the care of their father.
So, what can be done, especially if biological children do not have the medical or financial powers of attorney for their mother?
These situations can be tricky. Biological children can become more involved and offer to help. However, step-children may feel no obligation to disclose health or financial information.
The best scenario is to try to work with blended family members in the best interest of both parents. Schedule family meetings to encourage transparency of health and financial information.
Create a back-up plan for when power of attorney responsibilities may not work out the way you expect.
If all else fails, agree to meet with a caregiving expert who can offer independent advice on options for managing care for remarried elderly parents.
Are you looking for more help and support in a blended family situation? Learn more and schedule a consultation with caregiving expert, Pamela D Wilson.
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