When Siblings Disagree on Elder Care
Are you wondering how to navigate care of elderly parents when siblings disagree on elder care? You may be in a situation where your siblings are doing things you don’t believe are right. Or you are the sibling caregiver doing it all.
These situations can be very complicated, depending on whether you are at the beginning of a care situation for elderly parents or whether it has been ongoing for some time.
Controversial Topics Siblings Disagree On
There can be many topics that siblings disagree on elder care for parents. A few examples include:
- Maybe your sibling has done something questionable with mom or dad’s money.
- Your brother or sister appears to be neglecting Mom or Dad’s care.
- You keep raising red flags, and your siblings refuse to listen.
- Maybe a sibling has done something to cause emotional trauma such that mom or dad says, “Don’t tell your brother or sister,” or mom or dad acts uncomfortable when you ask questions or express concerns about the actions of your siblings.
- Maybe you are concerned that your sibling might somehow harm Mom or Dad.
Because the situations can be very broad, the scope of this article and podcast is limited to the early stages of caregiving when concerned siblings can make the most progress.
As you might know or suspect, sibling relationships and relationships with elderly parents can easily go off track to a point of no return or to greater conflict than anyone wants to deal with.
When siblings disagree on elder care, let’s look at two scenarios that present both sides of a care situation for an elderly parent. Plus, early and basic steps anyone can take to manage through early sibling disagreements about elder care
If you are in a situation beyond the two scenarios presented. You can schedule a 1:1 consultation.
Scenario One
Are you caring for an elderly parent, and your siblings are always in your face about one thing or another? Maybe they think you are not doing a good job or should be doing more. They don’t help because they’re too busy living their lives.
Scenario Two
One of your siblings is the primary caregiver for Mom or Dad, and they aren’t very communicative. They don’t give you any information. It seems kike you’re always the last one to know that mom or dad was in the hospital.
Sibling relationships can be challenging, especially if you grew up and apart, didn’t get along when you were younger, and haven’t maintained regular contact as your parents aged. Life gets busy, and people get busy.
Suddenly, mom and dad need help, and your parents want you to inform your siblings since you are the primary caregiver. You dread calling them because you don’t have anything in common with your siblings. Maybe their belief systems are opposite from yours.
What do you do? How do you care for elderly parents when you and your siblings don’t get along? When you and your siblings don’t see eye to eye. You don’t even like each other.
Childhood Relationships
Grudges and bad feelings happen between siblings because of events that happened when younger. Maybe you or a sibling got involved with drugs or alcohol but is now in recovery. However, you still don’t trust your brother or sister because of past history.
Maybe you always fought because you felt your parents favored one of you. If these emotions aren’t discussed and worked through, they can stay with siblings throughout life.
How to Resolve Conflicts When Siblings Disagree About Care of Elderly Parents
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Depending on your family or culture, sibling relationships may or may not be considered necessary. Why put in the effort to maintain a good relationship with a sibling you don’t care about or who you don’t plan to see very often?
You could also be in a situation of a blended family where your mother or father remarried and you have brothers and sisters-in law that you don’t know.
The “why” of putting in the effort to maintain sibling relationships or create relationships with siblings-in-law might be that eventually, your parents will need care. When we’re young, we have no idea that being a caregiver for a parent is something that will happen unless we see our parents doing this for our grandparents.
Responsibility or Duty to Care
Regardless of your age or how much you like or don’t like a brother or sister, regardless of the history or the emotional baggage, ask yourself if you can or are willing to set aside your feelings to focus on the care needs of an elderly parent.
The same goes for your parents. You may not like your mother or father, but you feel a duty and a responsibility to see that they receive care.
No family is perfect. The critical aspect is that we all have choices—even though they may be limited or we may not like the choices we have.
Establish Working Relationships with Difficult Siblings
If you can set aside your emotions, it can be possible to create a working relationship with a sibling or several siblings that you don’t like and who don’t like you. To do this, you want to define a working relationship.
Creating a working relationship means teamwork, giving up control, giving up having to be correct, and sometimes working toward a mutual agreement where everyone agrees to compromise some of what they want.
You don’t have to be best friends. You don’t have to like each other. If you can agree to work with each other for your parents’ good, that is your agreement.
Create Sibling Agreements
The agreement can start by identifying roles, setting boundaries, and creating and understanding expectations. Who is currently involved, and what are the roles?
Let’s look at the two opposite situations again. The first is that you are the primary caregiver. This is your role.
There can be many scenarios around being an adult child who is the primary caregiver for elderly parents. Let’s look at a situation shared by many caregivers.
Drop-In Siblings
Your siblings occasionally show up to see Mom or Dad, especially on holidays. Otherwise, they don’t offer to help.
If you have asked your siblings for help in the past, they have said no. So, feeling rejected or unappreciated, you will never ask for their help again.
Your siblings are not in a caregiving role. Besides being your brother or sister, they are not involved in your parent’s care except to call and visit when it suits them.
Since you are helping your parent, your parent or parents don’t ask your siblings for help.
However, your brothers and sisters expect you to wait on them when they visit or during the holidays. They want to be hosted or treated as guests who come and go while you provide for your parent.
How do you change this dynamic that makes you angry and resentful?
Tips to Initiate Sibling Conversations
Start by initiating a conversation. Tell your brothers and sisters, in a kind and lovely way, that they can bring dinner the next time they visit Mom and Dad. While you have done this at Mom and Dad’s request for years, your days of being the host are finished.
That conversation might sound something like this:
“ I want to talk to you about visits and holidays with Mom and Dad. In the past, I’ve always done all the work and made sure food was in the house for your visit and arranged holiday dinners at Mom and Dad’s. I want you to know that I will not be doing this anymore. So, if you plan to visit, bring groceries. If you expect a holiday dinner, please make the arrangements. I also want you to know that I am working on a plan to find other care options for Mom and Dad because I’ve been their caregiver for 2, 4, 6 years or more, and I can’t continue to do this. Mom and Dad are aware of this, as I’ve discussed my plan to move out of the role of a caregiver with them.”Being the only caregiver is affecting my job, my health, my life, and my family. I want you to be aware of this so you’re not surprised as more things change.
Depending on how your sibling responds, you can offer to set a family meeting to discuss the changes, pass off care responsibilities if they are interested, or share what you know about your parents’ care needs.
Set Boundaries to End Guilty Feelings
You should not feel guilty for setting a boundary and choosing to move on with your life as long as there is a plan of care for your parents. Or your parents know they need to choose from options provided for their care.
In some cases, parents will say they do not need any help. This is their choice.
Sometimes, parents fail to realize everything a child caregiver does for them until that child ends their involvement. Your parents can hire outside help, move to a care community, or ask your siblings for assistance.
Concerns About Sibling Caregivers
Let’s shift to scenario two: you don’t get along with your siblings. A brother or a sister has been helping mom or dad for years.
Mom or dad appointed your brother or sister as their medical and financial power of attorney. You’ve always stayed in touch with mom or dad but not really in touch with your brother or sister.
Suddenly, mom needs more help, and the information she gives you is limited. You are worried and wondering if she has memory loss or other serious health conditions.
Sibling Communication
You start calling your brother or sister you have not spoken to in years. Siblings are not welcoming or friendly.
Brothers or sisters see you as nosy, demanding, disruptive, and the sibling who never helped but now wants to be involved. Your questions are taking up a lot of their time. You are upset because you have some ideas about how to help your elderly parents and your siblings refuse to listen.
You are seen as the problem, a meddler, and not a solution. Should you be surprised at your sibling’s reaction? Probably not.
If you’ve been living your life and haven’t offered to help or become involved in the care of your parents before now, stepping in to request information and offer suggestions or help may not be welcomed. Or maybe the interest is appreciated if your siblings who have been caregivers are burned out.
Your siblings may be angry that you’ve been out of the picture for so long.
Steps to Work Through Sibling Disagreements About Elder Care
So what are the steps to manage through these two scenarios?
- Own your part.
- Own your past and present actions
- Take responsibility for your part in the family conflict
- Set aside your emotions
- Focus on the parents you love
- Remove expectations
Remove expectations that you will re-establish a loving relationship with your siblings. End expectations about what your siblings should do or how your parents should respond.
Eliminate expectations that your help will be appreciated – it may not be.
Ask Questions and Learn
If you have been the primary caregiver, be open to discussions with your siblings about how they can help or to listen to their concerns. They may be willing to help in ways you never imagined.
Be open to all discussions, suggestions, and ideas from others.
If you have not been the caregiver, learn about the care your parents need and make sure you can commit to being involved. Decide how much and for how long you can be involved.
If your siblings have been in the caregiving role, they probably had no idea what they were getting into and may be totally overwhelmed. Give your siblings the benefit of the doubt.
Schedule Family Meetings
Expectations regarding the care of elderly parents and relationships with siblings can be like a minefield: One step right or left, and the situation blows up.
Set aside time to meet with your siblings and include your parents.
Ask questions to understand where everyone is coming from and how each person sees their role. What can everyone contribute or not, and for how long?
Ask about expectations. You might learn information you never knew or expected to hear.
- Realize that depending on your relationship, there may be a lack of trust between you and your siblings and your parents.
- If your family has been divided for years, you will unlikely get back together and become best friends.
- You can come back together, discuss the support your parents need, and discuss who is willing to help and who can play a particular role.
If you are the caregiver whose siblings now want to get involved, this is your chance to take a break and gain their support and involvement.
If your parents’ receiving good care is your priority, look at this situation as an opportunity instead of family drama.
Focus on the Needs of Elderly Parents
Realize that to mend situations with siblings you have not seen in some time or who you don’t get along with, you may have to do more of the hard work, relationship, and trust-building, at least initially. Set your ego aside and do whatever it takes.
Even more importantly, do not assume that you will sway everyone to your thinking. That’s not practical. Ask a lot of questions, and continue to ask questions. Do not assume that your way of thinking is correct.
Ask questions to understand why people think the way they do. Show respect for siblings who have different opinions. Focus on the facts while recognizing that others may be swept up in a world of emotions, anxiety, and worry.
Resolving Sibling Disagreements is a Process
If necessary, find an independent person who can help with these conversations if you try them on your own but they don’t work out like you hope. This may be an aunt, uncle, or another family member. It may also be a professional like myself.
Talking about and managing care for elderly parents can require a lot of discussion, flexibility, and compromise. There is no magic solution or one right way to do things. There are many options; sometimes, it takes trial and error to determine what is best.
It’s also important to consider immediate needs versus long-term needs. Without a plan or strategy, the family will struggle with what to do next, and unexpected events will continue to happen.
If you can, look at the care of elderly parents like a work project where you keep your personal life separate from your work life. Compartmentalizing this experience can be a way to manage stress and maintain emotional balance when dealing with multiple people and challenging situations. Create task lists, project lists, time sheets, etc.
Focus on Facts, Not Emotions
When you interact with siblings, set your emotions and feelings aside and focus on how an elderly parent or parents will benefit from the combined support of all their children. Be appreciative of the work your siblings have done to help your parents.
Please realize that the current situation is probably not ideal for anyone but that everyone is doing their best under the circumstances. Set boundaries about what you can and are willing to do, and let others do the same. This may be the best way to figure out how everyone can work together.
These discussions may not go as quickly as you’d like. It’s difficult to jump in and solve problems you may not know, especially if you haven’t been involved.
Whatever you agree to do, keep your commitment. Communicate with your siblings and parents about what you are doing, and when and how you will do what you agreed to do.
You and your siblings may need time to adjust to working together. Give everyone a little time and space to breathe. You’ll be glad you did.
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